I came back with a bit of fear and trepidation about what I was getting myself into.  The tensions were high because I came back with a retreat in progress.  The retreat had been in full swing for about a week.  Being short a volunteer you could see and hear the tiredness in everyone’s voices.  You could see it in their demeanor and their faces, as well.  Everyone was so excited to see me because they knew I could bring relief to them.  I’m certain there were other reasons for their excitement but it didn’t seem to matter to me what the motivation for coming back was.  I was on my own mission accepting one of the most life changing opportunities I’ve ever been presented with.  I even mentioned it before a few blogs ago.  I knew this was going to be big for me.

The wet weather kicked in.  I was put to work a few days after I recovered from the travel.  I slowly integrated into the retreat.  I began getting to know the guests but still kept a little distance because I was so uncertain as to why I had come back.  The rains came and stayed for days.  It began to depress me.  The stress levels of the other staff members were very high and I was being tasked with learning everything Jill and Casey knew about running this retreat center in a limited time frame of about four weeks.  They had been doing this for the last 2 1/2 years.  I basically followed them all around and we discussed many things that I would be responsible for.   The list was overwhelming.  I fell into fear but it wasn’t affecting my ability to focus on the fact that I came here to do something very important for myself even though I didn’t fully understand the scope of it.  I went through about a two week period where I kept telling myself that there’s no way I can do the same job that two of them have been doing for 2+ years.  I actually began to panic.  I began to have some serious discussions with my higher self and he convinced me that all was in divine order and that I would not be given more than I could handle.  Well, I kinda took a we’ll wait and see  attitude BUT with an amazing, peaceful energy surrounding me.  I began to discover that I was receiving this strength that seemed to come out of now where.  If I go into my third-eye view I could see this white, bluish, gold column of light coming down through my head and filling my body.  I knew I had made an important connection and that this connection was what would be carrying me through this challenge.

This is when things began to shift.  I slowly became more and more comfortable with everything I was learning.  Fortunately, I knew a lot of it from being a volunteer the previous winter (June through September is South America’s winter).  But there were aspects of my duties that would take a lot of conscious coordination with shamans, artists, the shipibo care-taking family, communication with the community members (as we get our water and electricity from the village of Nueva Luz and I have to communicate in spanish), coordinating cultivating jobs for the workers, coordinating duties with our domestic helper, Hilda, mixing with the guests and helping them to process, coordinating with the kitchen on meals and shopping for food and supplies everyday, bookkeeping and budgeting (created a few spreadsheet to hold all the financial data for easy review when Jill and I talk online), repairing anything to do with the electrical and water systems, making sure that ceremonies are coordinated, attending all ceremonies as a facilitator, coordinating duties for the volunteers, working on extra building type projects like tiling, construction of shelves to hold our gas and paint cans, responding to all the guests requests (and there are many!).  Gosh, did I miss anything?

So, all of the training and prep has paid off.  Since Jill and Casey left my productivity has been better than it has been since my days at Microsoft.  The retreat land is ready to receive the guests, the food shopping for the next few days is done, I’ve got all the workers reporting on their next days and have been paying them, keeping the books with the new spreadsheets, all of the shamans have been notified of their ceremonies nights (and hopefully they show up…it’s been known to happen), spirits are higher between the three of us and tomorrow we pick up 9 of our 12 guests at the airport and take another wild journey into Madre Ayahuasca realm again.

My attitude has been very positive.  I feel like I’m receiving a tremendous amount of assistance keeping my head straight on everything.  This job actually rivals my job at Microsoft back in the 90′s.  I always seem to do well with these challenges.  But it’s been awhile since I’ve had the drive to want to take on these challenges again.  I was very afraid of myself.  I think there was a subconscious self-loathing that I really never saw.  Self-judgment healing has been big on my list since about 2006 when I really began to climb out of my Dark Night of the Soul period.  Once I mostly past that then it became time to get to know who I truly am again.  My wings are growing and they are feeling strong and willing.  Things will go wrong, hell, they already have.  But my response to these challenges has also dramatically shifted.  I am now better able to accept any and everything that happens.  It could be the death of my Grandmother (which recently occurred while I was in Peru).  I’ve put on the back shelf much of the spiritual knowledge that I had acquired before coming down.  I feel like I’m wiping the slate clean to be refilled with on what is for my highest and best good.

I also agree with what my friend Gary said the other night, that you have to be in complete presence with the moment at all times.  The energy down here is filled with change in some ways.  In other ways, Pucallpa is still very stuck in the 80′s.  But in other ways when I interact with the energy you literally never know what is going to happen from one moment to the next.  The week before Jill and Casey left, the big diesel generator that powers our lights and the water pump to bring us water to our tanks broke down and needed several Soles (pronounced:  Soul-lays) worth of repairs.  We ended up paying just over half of the repair bill.  The villagers here live in what Americans would call extreme poverty.  But they still have to pay their bills to the village of Nueva Luz for gas for the diesel generator to power the village.  That meant not only would we not be getting power until it got fixed (which could take several days) but it also meant that we would not have any water pumped to our tanks.  Water is nearly everything for this retreat.  We’d have to cancel a retreat if we couldn’t have our water.

Luckily, that got fixed and we were able to get to our tanks water again.  Now I’m feeling better about Jill and Casey leaving at this point.  They left and the fun already started to begin.  A few days later the water pump broke down.  It was determined it couldn’t be fixed and a new one needed to be bought.  After being told this I realized the ramifications of not having something done in the next day or two.  We were one week from hosting a large retreat and no way to pump water to our tanks again.  I had to make a split decision in that moment (all in Spanish, of course) and decided to loan the village of Nueve Luz 800 soles to buy and install a new pump.  They told me that they would pay the money back minus our share of the cost and sure enough they kept their word.  They have already brought back 500 soles with the promise for the balance in two weeks.  I felt very comfortable with my decision even though I was a little afraid of Jill and Casey’s reaction.  It all turned out great.  The pump got installed and we have more water than we’ll probably need for the entire retreat.  But it’s always good to have more now.  After all, it is a bit of a process to pump the water from the lower receiving tank to the upper two tanks.  I have to bring a car battery down from the house’s chargers.  Then I have to hook the pump up, put on the right fittings for pumping the water, prime the pump and then connect the hose that leads to the upper tanks.  Sounds pretty easy but it does take a bit of time.  Then I have to approximate the time it will take for the pump to finish and make sure that it doesn’t run dry or it could burn the motor.  Then I have to tear it all down and put everything back.  All this actually takes about 15 minutes.  But on this job 15 minutes can be a lot of very valuable time.

I began to reflect on my journey here in Peru a lot more with a little more time on my hands.  I decided that it was time to visit Madre Ayahuasca, doing some communing and healing with her through drinking the medicine.  My main intention was that I wanted her to help prepare me for running this retreat.  I wanted my mind to be clear and my body to be healthy.  I wanted to be in a true spirit of Service to Others.  There was no question.  I was ready for this challenge.  I have also been dealing with an old back injury that has been very painful.  With the amazing help of my friends through a Facebook post and requests of other friends not on Facebook, my back issue mostly resolved itself in about 3 days.  Man that was great!  I was very grateful.  (Update:  my back issue tried to come back with a vengeance and it was concerning me again until the Universe, or I AM, brought this unexpected guest to the Pucallpa airport as I was picking up the original guests.  She came from Iquitos with one of our guests with the hope that we would have an opening.  We normally screen people through an application process, but something told me that it would be a good idea to accept her request to begin the retreat with the rest of us.  Split decision again but it felt right.  It turns out that she, the new guest, was a Norwegian massage therapist.  And she was good.  She didn’t get rid of the problem completely but I could tell she knew what she was doing.  Today, however, my back feels better and better.  I manifested a person who could help me continue to heal this back injury.  Awesome!)

Well, my first ceremony was with a batch of Ayahuasca that we wanted to test.  The batch has been reconstituted and reduced to produce a strong product.  It worked.  It was called The Love batch.  I purged from just about every orifice in my body for a few hours.  I knew this was big.  It was difficult and at times I wished I hadn’t drank the medicine.  I also wondered if I wasn’t supposed to be drinking anymore.  In a previous, unintended time when I drank a little more medicine than a facilitator’s normal dose, I ended up turning into the vine of Ayahuasca.  I could see my body, right before my eyes, changing into this dark color with and a rough texture.  A big message I got was that I didn’t need to drink anymore.  I could if I wanted and it would be my choice.  What she was telling me was that I don’t need to drink to connect with her.  It was very humbling and I considered her words until this first ceremony.  I wanted to see her again.  I wanted to be in her dimension.  But I had more work to do first, apparently.

I’ll give you the short of it.  I purged heavily this night.  Sorry for the graphics but this is Ayahuasca reality, please don’t judge it until you’ve tried it and  have seen the amazing healing you can experience.  It’s hard work but it’s well worth it in the end.  I had profound things come to me.  The pain was tremendous, there was no comfort zone and I was beginning to doubt my decision to drink.  And I had to be up early and ready for the first day of retreat preparation.  Dear God what had I done?  But I had a day to recover.  All the coordination went without a hitch and I was feeling better and better about the first day of the retreat.

I had already decided I wasn’t going to do another ceremony.  I really needed rest and to make sure I had my wits about me for when the guests came.  It was my turn to turn up the volume and play the big coordinator.  But something shifted the day of that 2nd ceremony.  Something shifted in me and I found myself making a last minute decision to drink.  There was an unmistakable pull to this next ceremony that would be hard to ignore. This was yet another brew that had been reduced further.  This was called the Pituco batch.

I told Gary that I felt that this was going to be an interesting night but wasn’t sure why.  I just went with it.  Even though I was tired from two nights ago, I was excited to give this journey over to the Mother.  I set no intentions other than for her to show me exactly what I needed to see.  No agenda’s, no desire to control the journey.  I wanted to really be on this journey with her.  We sang our Icaros and said our prayers into the medicine we had chosen to drink.  We poured our portions, prayed over our glasses and then drank our dose.  This Ayahuasca brew was vastly different from ours.  It was of a thinner constitution (which usually means you need to drink more to feel the medicine) and it had this really interesting and intense lemon flavor to it.  Ayahuasca has many times been liked to molasses, sweet yet very earthy tasting.  It didn’t take long for the medicine to hit.  I think it was about 40 minutes.  I very quickly lost track of all time and I could feel my body slipping into Madre’s dimension.  Gary and I were both commenting on how we thought we might need more but we were both dead wrong.

The visions came on very strong. The body sensations came on even stronger.  I knew I was due to purge more but almost wasn’t prepared for what I was about to go through.  Could this be another rebirth?  The visions, like I said before, were very strong.   It actually was very much like doing straight DMT, which is the plant chemical that activates your pineal gland and gives you all the pretty colors and patterns and many more things within your journey.  The hard part is if the medicine is really strong in your body, sometimes it’s hard to even focus on the visions.  That was case with me this night.  The light show was awesome. But I told Madre that I was grateful but I was ready to do some processing.  It wasn’t long after that that my first purge came.  Several upheavals later and all that came out was energy.  They were energy balls coming out of my stomach.  I could barely hold myself up but my stomach finally started calming down.  That was a tough round.  I’ll spare you all the gory details but what ended up coming out of me through three long and hard rounds of vomiting was nothing short of some of the toughest energies that I have been having a hard time getting rid of.  Much of what came up in the later purges was solid material.  THAT has never happened to me in a vomiting purge before.  I had a mostly empty stomach so I was hard pressed to understand what that material was that came from it.  These energies have been built up for years and coming out through my back injury.  My back injury occurred at a time when my life in Dallas was really beginning to fall apart.

I finally made it through the purging rounds and was then very pleasantly taken into a mode of where I could process.  I was brought several pieces of amazing information which included:  an idea for a new business, a true relinquishing of fear for many things on such deep and debilitating levels, the removing of the chord that was locking these energies, the realization that I should have been a DJ many years ago.  I love, love music and I especially love trance music of all kinds.  Many of our Icaros this night were deep trance songs with complicated sound mixing.  Each nuance in the song would bring on a purge or spark vision of what you needed to address.  As the music would change, sometimes traditional Icaros (Ayahuasca songs used to direct the energy of the plant spirit of Ayahuasca), sometimes trance music on several levels, so would the direction of my journey.  It was magical.  I was shown how extremely difficult purging that I just gone through had actually broken me through this important barrier.  I was no longer afraid.  I saw a full vision of this business with very specific requirements.  Those requirements are:  it has to be fun, it has to involve music and it has to be solidly based on service to the greater good.  The feeling was so solid.  What had just happened to me?  Not long ago I couldn’t even dream of owning a business on this level.  I had had small businesses in the past but I didn’t have the confidence or love of myself to allow them to really grow and expand.  I wasn’t completely convinced that they were the things I needed to be doing.

This felt amazing.  I was finally realizing some deep passions within myself and watching this incredible merging of my desires within my energetic signature.  I realized that I had achieved, once again but on a different level, the dream that I’ve been dreaming since being completely broken in my Dark Night of the Soul days.  I had come a long way.  I have mostly relinquished that debilitating fear that had kept me from coming into my own true and unique power once again.  And I was finishing this journey off by myself.  That doesn’t mean that I’ve been alone.  I owe a tremendous amount of gratitude to many people who have been following my journey, encouraging me along the way, sending healing on a dime when I request it and mostly for just being incredibly unique and wonderful people.  I bow to all of you.  I believe you all helped me to find that endless connection to my strength source that is changing me so rapidly that it’s hard to keep up.  I didn’t have to be afraid anymore.  I saw myself behind a DJ’s table mixing incredible music and assisting people in reaching their joy and healing.  I don’t know how all this would form or even if that would be what I end up doing.  What is important is that I’ve been healed and  re-wired and now my journey is becoming even more clear by the day.  I don’t exactly know where I’m going to end up but what I do know is that where I end up is exactly where I’m supposed to be.

At another point of my journey I came back from the bathroom on one of my purging journeys.  It was hard to navigate with all the bright visions occurring in the dark.  I made it to my matt to find this energy of an African woman laying on my matt.  Her appearance to my eyes was that of all these dots of color.  I could see a form.  She was a black woman, very short and very fat.  I said hello to her and humbly asked her if I could lay down on my matt.  She said, “Go right ahead!  That’s what it’s for!”  I realized I was going to lay right on her so I cautiously knelt down.  I turned to sit on my matt and saw these other light beings coming to do more healing on me.  I realized that I needed to lay on this woman from Africa as that was part of the plan.  I would absorb her into me and the other being would be doing other healing work.  It wasn’t long after I laid down and I began my final purge that lasted for several minutes, and it was unlike any purging I had ever done.  I was miserable but I knew I needed to get rid of all of it this time.  This was how Mother Ayahuasca was preparing me to run this retreat center.  Perfect timing being just two days away from jump out of the gate.

As this and other processes ran through my brain it was all great information and very productive work.  My body felt clean.  The music continued to take me on yet another journey which brought on more thought processes.  One of them was the realization that I had accomplished a very important thing and the sky was now going to be the limit.  I began to dance to the music.  I started doing this Tai Chi style dancing and amazingly keeping my balance the whole time as I kicked and chopped and balanced on one leg in several moves.  I felt like I had done this before.  The Dragon, I believe has truly emerged.  I’m a Dragon in chinese astrology.  I’m readying myself for the next leg of my journey which I have no idea where it’s going to take me but I know it’s going to be exciting.  I can just feel it.

I know, also, that living life in the jungle has played a big part in this.  Living this rugged life has taught me more self-reliance, less excuses for being lazy, no desire to self-judge anymore and true desire to enjoy every possible moment even if it’s miserable.  I look in the mirror and I can smile at myself and give myself and hug and thank myself for hanging in there all these years.  It’s been a long and tough recovery but I made it.  I’m clean and free of the bullshit lies that we are told that we not good enough, or talented enough, or smart enough or whatever not enough (and many more lies).  Hell, that was another thing that Madre brought to me.  She showed me how much I have judged my own intelligence and how my IQ was much higher than what I judged myself to be.  She also showed me where much of my higher intelligence exists.  It exists within my intuition, within my knowing.  It is what helps connect my mind to my heart so that I’m operating from higher sources rather than my lower astral fields, which were programmed and learned practices.  I could go on about this.  This was a big shift for me.  This is the reason why I came back to Tierra Vida.

That realization alone began to send me into the best part of this journey.  I went into some beautiful emotional ecstasy.  I had worked hard for this moment and now I was free to be.   I danced some more.  I received more amazing information.  I reveled in my new skin.  Yeah, I shed some really old and tough skin.  I predicted this would happen before leaving Ollantaytambo.  I just didn’t know how it would all look.  Well, I did have glimpses but I try not to build up any unnecessary expectations.  Better to be empty and flowing than always trying to calculate and manipulate.

Well, if you made it this far then I give you infinite gold stars on all your fore-heads.  This is actually the best part yet to come.  As I was reflecting and dinking around on my computer entering shopping, labor and gas totals into my spreadsheet, I remembered an I Ching reading that I had done online before leaving Ollantaytambo and embarking on this next difficult phase.  The reading was actually amazing and it gave me a lot of strength moving forward to take on this job.  Well, I decided to open it up again and refresh my memory.  Oh man, the reading jumped out at me on every level.  Everything it foretold has been happening.  And so much of it physically corresponded to the geography of where I’m at.  You’ll see what I mean below.  It was like the reading was in living color, pulsing and flashing like I had reached a special point of awareness.  Here’s the reading and my personal analysis.  BTW, I have not used I Ching for years.  I began to reconnect with the I Ching back in 2006 but now I was ready to fully respect and use this medium with the highest of intentions.  You don’t want to just play with the I Ching and ask it pointless questions and questions of ego, so I only ask the important questions with this medium and I accept whatever answer comes because I know it’s accurate.

I Ching Reading for Steven Borges

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QUESTION:  What will be the effects of my working at Tierra Vida from December 2011 through April of 2012?

First hexagram I drew was 45, Ts’ui/Gathering.  Here’s what it said:

The Lake rises by welcoming and receiving Earth’s waters:  The King approaches his temple.  It is wise to seek audience with him there.

Success follows this course.  Making an offering will seal your good fortune.  A goal will be realized now.

SITUATION ANALYSIS:

This is an important Convergence, and you must be part of it.  Look for the Center of this convergence.  Like waters running to the sea, like an astronomical convergence of planets revolving around the sun, you should let the gravity of this Center draw you near.  Others are also drawn to this Center, and among them you will find shared bonds and kindred spirits.  This tribal convergence will give you a clarity of purpose.  You will no longer be alone.

My analysis.  Are you kidding?  Holy transformation Batman!

“The Lake rises by welcoming and receiving Earth’s waters”.  First, Tierra Vida is on the beautiful Yarina Cocha Lake.  The lake is fed by a channel from the larger rio to the North and West called the Ucayali River.  In the dry season the channel dries up and the lake levels drop dramatically.  But we’re in the rainy season.  The lake has risen  dramatically twice since I’ve been hear.  Coincidence?  I know not!

“The King approaches his temple”.  That’s me coming to Tierra Vida face the healing of this difficult energy I’ve been battling for too many years.  Plus I ended up moving into Jill and Casey’s house, which is very large with two levels.  It’s the castle of the retreat, basically.  It sits about 15 feet off the ground, has a fridge (which we mostly use for retreat food), power from the village and solar battery power to run the fridge and charge electronics.  This is like my temple right now.  Here I come to meditate, do Chi Qong, work with the budget, have alone time, etc.  I’m very blessed already for taking on this role.  I can keep this place exactly how I like it and that’s CLEAN!!!!

“It is wise to seek the audience with him there”.  Roger that!  Being with myself, loving being with myself, being in relationship with myself first, growing, expanding, shedding, lightening, ascending.  I’m on it!

“Success follows this course.  Making an offering will seal your good fortune.  A goal will be realized.”  Couldn’t have said it better myself.  I’ve been successful in reaching a long awaiting goal of truly loving myself and stepping out of the fear bubble.  This goal has been realized.  Albeit, I didn’t realize it would come this fast but January HAS been a transformative month.  I think many of us can attest to it.  It’s been trying.  We’re all being squeezed to deal with out stuff, face it, feel it, be with it and then it the funk go!  It’s time.  Who are we?  We are a very unique race of beings facing a very transformative time and we either get on board or we, and hopefully with joy, continue on our present course.  I’m headed straight for the next transition point and I’m excited!

“This is an important Convergence, and you must be part of it.  Look for the Center of this convergence.  Like waters running to the sea, like an astronomical convergence of planets revolving around the sun, you should let the gravity of this Center draw you near.  Others are also drawn to this Center, and among them you will find shared bonds and kindred spirits.  This tribal convergence will give you a clarity of purpose.  You will no longer be alone.”   I have been converging with many souls since being here.  And I’m not just talking about the retreat guests and the staff.  I’m talking about souls in Yarina and Pulcallpa.  They may not know better but they are a part of me whether I like it or not.  I may not enjoy seeing their poverty or simple-mindedness about because it creates big organizational problems, but I adore their simplicity.  I adore seeing the naked kids playing in a big water puddle or two little kids playing marbles and giggling the whole time.  I sense a tremendous lack of awareness of what may be going on right now but I also sense they have a deep awareness of who they are.  I don’t see lingering baggage.  Get it out and get it over with.  Don’t hang on to it.  They do it well.  The Center of this convergence is Tierra Vida Healing Center.  This has felt like a tribal convergence.  Each person coming with their specific issues they want to work on.  Some have been working with Ayahuasca since September attending retreat after retreat.  One has two more retreats to go through before heading to her next destination of India.  I’ve connect with every person on some level and they have helped color my purpose even brighter.  We’re giving to each other even if we aren’t in the best space or are in some kind of pain or discomfort.  These people converge together as strangers and end up leaving as friends on many occasions.  You have people of many geographic locations that come here.  You have many different vocations represented from massage therapists, to attorneys, to contract nurses, to pool maintenance owners.  The spectrum has no boundaries and many leave with the experience of seeing and feeling why we are all connected and one with everything.  It’s very beautiful to watch.  The convergence is giving a clarity of purpose.  It’s not totally defined yet but it seems to be coming in clearer and clearer the more I do this work right now.  For the first time in many years, I don’t feel alone even when I’m alone.  Sorry, but THAT’S A BIG ONE!

OK, I know this is long but I feel like some of you are going to connect to this, so bare with me.  The last hexagram had a changing line in it.  That means another hexagram is drawn when the changing lines are triggered and you are to receive more detailed information.  Here’s the result of that changing line:

Changing Lines:

There are Three Changing Lines.  The Middle Line applies.

Hexagram Forty-Five/Line Four:  No one will begrudge you the good fortune ahead.

My analysis:  What’s there to analyze?  This is great news and means I’m being protected and my obstacles are being removed.  Thank you, Ganesha!!

The next hexagram drawn had no changing lines and is, I believe, I don’t have the instructions on my computer, but if I remember correctly, it was another aspect of the first hexagram.  I need to check that next time I have time.  This was it.  This is the last of the reading.  And I was not disappointed:

Transformed Hexagram:

42 – Forty-Two

I / Expansion

Whirlwinds and Thunder:  When the Superior Person encounters saintly behavior, he adopts it; when he encounters a fault within, he transforms it.  Progress in every endeavor.  You may cross to the far shore.

SITUATION ANALYSIS:

Get ready to ride a tide of accelerated growth toward self-actualization. A joyful awareness of the best within you, coupled with an acceptance of your Shadow, will provide a greater repertoire, a much bolder vision, and new depth and clarity that will compel you to expand your horizons.

My analysis:  “Whirlwinds and Thunder…”.  I’ve been doing nothing but transforming and transmitting and subconsciously using my tools on many occasions.  I’ve been seeing ease, progress, success through challenges and a flow of energy that is feeding the true purpose of this retreat center.  I tune into what I need to do and it may seem ridiculous but it seems to work.  No text books, no gurus, no workshops…just you, you and you!  I’m reading myself for a tide of growth toward self-actualization.  I feel like I’m getting very close.  What a superb feeling, for once!

Welp, there ya have it everyone!  If you’re interested in working respectfully with the I Ching and you connect with it then go to this website and engage freely, no charge.  Just read the instructions and then continue with your question.  The web address is:  http://www.ichingonline.net.  I knew this journey back to the jungle was going to be one of the biggest transformations that I would go through in this life time and I am actually alive, in it, feeling it, seeing and being it!  This brings up the questions.  What’s in store for the next 4 months?  Who cares!  Be in the now, Steve.  Be present and expect the unexpected.  Or hell, you can even drop that attachment to the unexpected while we’re at it.  Sweet dreams, everyone!

Things were feeling strange after arriving back at Tierra Vida.  It felt like something had shifted or was out of balance.  I realized that it was me that had shifted being in the sacred valley for three and half months.  I also realized that there has been a shift in the way that I’m connecting to and working with  Mother Ayahuasca.  I don’t seem to need to go into deep ceremony with the medicine on a full dose like I was doing over the summer when I was a volunteer.  I feel like my connection to the plant medicine has gotten very personal and that now that I will be facilitating the retreats that she will be using me in very different ways.

Already I’ve seen evidence of this shift.  Since arriving here in early December I was quickly thrust back into the chaos of a retreat.  I walked right into the middle of a 9-day retreat with 14 people.  Jill and Casey were anxious to start training me and I was having a hell of a time adjusting and shifting into this new management roll that Ayahuasca had called me into.  What was my purpose for choosing and accepting this role?  Would this role be spiritual enough for me and would I have enough personal time to do my own processing?  Well, I jumped right back into facilitating ceremonies.  It was tough at first.  The tiny dose of medicine that the facilitators take to “be in the medicine” usually has a mild effect on me.  For several ceremonies I felt nothing.  For other ceremonies I wasn’t feeling called to drink at all.  But this one last ceremony that I facilitated for the last group changed all that and I believe Madre gave me a little gift of knowledge and wisdom.

My first tiny dose didn’t have any affect on me again.  I drank a second half-dose in hopes that I would be able to connect with Madre in the other dimensional worlds that we get to go to when we journey with Ayahuasca.  This did occur, I began to feel the medicine but it was late in the evening after everyone else was coming down from their journeys.  Madre came on very quickly and strongly after the second dose.  I received a message from her telling me I had some unresolved fears about running the retreat center that needed to be dealt with.  I think I did just that because shortly after I sat with those emotions, acknowledged them and released them I looked at my feet and they began to turn this dark brown color.  At first I thought my feet were turning into Anacondas.  Then I realized that my feet and eventually my whole body was being consumed by the Ayahuasca vine, etherically.  The spirit of the plant, Madre, told me that I was being turned into the vine and that it wasn’t important for me to drink to be connected with her on a deeper level.  It was very weird.  Of all my ceremonies, I had never had this experience that I could actually see with my own eyes my body shift into something else or be consumed by the vine in this way.  I’ve seen many visions, a few past lives, lots of geometric patterns and strong energy patterns, many times in the form of rainbow patterns.  And within those swirling images is where you begin to see entities and beings working with you for your healing.  Often times the spirit of Ayahuasca will come to you in the form of a snake or a vine.  But I had never seen my body shape-shift like that before.  It was very cool!

This revelation brought a lot of confirmation about why my energy had changed.  I was about to embark on one of the toughest journeys I’ve taken in this lifetime BUT it was going to be so much for the better that the pain experienced in shifting and growing and releasing all that old programming and manipulation crap in my cells was going to be permanently shifted after this experience.  Frankly, I can feel the shifting going on right now and DAMN is it uncomfortable!!  Let there be no doubt about it.

You ask what The Bubble that I refer to in the title is all about.  Well, I hope I can describe it in a way that makes sense.  There’s a lot of chaos in the world right now.  Everything is NOT OK!  And the chaos involved with running a retreat center has added to that collective energy that is going around the planet.  I’m sorry.  I know I’m going to get a lot of disagreement on this but I think this collective energy has to go through this in order for a real, heart-felt change to occur in humanity.   I’ve chosen a path to challenge myself on different levels and to bust through and transform out of the mold that I was created with.  What I didn’t realize is that I kinda went overboard and am feeling like I may have bitten off more than I can chew.  At least that’s what it feels like.  Let me tell you what I’ve gotten myself into and what I have chosen to do.

My duties as a facilitator include:  Coordinating shopping trips each day in a boat 25 minutes across the lake, organizing and managing the workers for cultivation and cleaning projects before, during and after retreats, recording all purchases for the retreat and keeping a budget for food and non-food items, doing payroll for the workers and making sure all payments are recorded, handling large amounts of sensitive stuff, communicating (in spanish) with the Nueva Luz community as they run the generators for our electricity and water supply, paying monthly bills to the Nueva Luz community, making sure the kitchen is being kept clean and that it is properly opened and shut down each night, communing with the guests during the retreat for spiritual counseling and assistance in processing their experiences, facilitating all ceremonies during retreat (often means late nights and very early mornings), reminding and picking up the shamans for ceremony across the lake, and the list goes on.  These are the main factors of what I have to do.  This doesn’t include all the combinations of possibilities on how these duties can step on each other and pull me apart.  This also doesn’t include the “inevitable” things that will go wrong but always seem to work out somehow.

Well, I’ve had my first experience in operating in this multi-faceted role.  Yesterday, I was working on the tile for a shower room for the Shipibo family.  Right in the middle of hanging tiles, Joel comes to me telling me that the failed water pump that went out 3 days ago (That supplies all of Nueva Luz with water) cannot be repaired and they need to buy a new pump.  He didn’t know when a new one could be purchased as it depended on how much money they could get from the whole community.  Then there’s the installation cost.  So, with the retreat only 8 days away I had to make a difficult decision out of the presence of Jill and Casey who were just returning to Arizona.  I gave them the full amount to buy and install the pump.  Much of that money will be returned as they receive funds from the community.  Monday should be the first return of part of that money.

The pump failing became a timing issue.  Peru time is nothing like I’ve ever seen in the U.S.  You can wait forever to be served in a restaurant or in a hardware store or for a delivery man to show up with all the wood you ordered for a building project.  People don’t operate on strict time schedules here.  Sometimes they don’t even show up at the specified time you gave them.  Anyway, I couldn’t risk being so close to the retreat start and not having enough water to support everything we need it for.  I stand by this decision, too.  I think it was a good choice though it does have a few risks…just like everything in life. You’d think we’d all be used to it but it comes to the value of the risks and what it may affect.  Are you ready for those changes when the risks affect you if they don’t go your way?

So, I finished that conversation, gave them the money and went back to the tiling project.  I don’t think it was but 30 minutes and Joel comes back up to me to let me know that the pulling mechanism on the boat motor needed to be cleaned.  Apparently, Casey used to do this task but I was never shown how to do it.  Joel recommended one of our workers, James, (pronounced Hames).  I conversed with them and agreed to have James clean the motor, paid him then went back to the tiling job.  Thankfully, there were no further interruptions, however, the interruptions that did occur blew my opportunity to get into town, run a few errands, get some food and be back at a decent time.  I did, however, have to stand back and laugh at the realization that this is exactly what Jill and Casey have done for over two years.  They were just more experienced at this kind of chaos and it’s been the two of them together.  So, I’m finding my own way through this chaos and even though I want to leave this planet sometimes, I always end up back with my feet on the ground.  There’s work to do!  Let’s do it!

This was Management 101 live and in living color.  Coming back around to the reason for The Bubble in the title has to do with the fact that I feel this weird energy.  I feel like I’m walking in a bubble or vacuum that is keeping me from being affected by the chaos in and out of the retreat center.  3D reality feels very different for me, which is hard to describe. too.

Many times I don’t feel like I’m really here.  Often times I’ll wake up and think I’m somewhere else.  Time is going ridiculously fast.  My body feels like it’s going through a lot of energetic changes.  Many of those changes reflect directly back to a lot of my intentions I had for this journey.  And maybe even some intentions that came from my subconscious.  I feel like I have tapped into my true source strength.  That’s me, my higher self.  That’s ME.  I AM.  I AM THAT I AM.  I don’t fully understand why I chose this difficult route but more and more gets revealed to me everyday.

Today, I woke up with this, I don’t wanna be on this planet anymore energy.  It felt very isolating and like it was trying to press down on me, to squash me and send me deeper into an illusion that I’m separated from everything.  I’m not.  None of us are separated from anything or anyone.  I even felt a mild depression this morning, which I haven’t felt in awhile.  I haven’t really been feeling much lately.  The schedule has been rigorous, demanding and then add Jill and Casey leaving for the States and me being out here on my own should be sending me into a graveyard of grief.  But it hasn’t.  It has actually forced me deeper into myself creating the connection to this gentle, invisible strength that is carrying me through this experience.  And I asked for this strength to be given to me.  I asked for my fear to be turned into and energy that works with me instead of against me.  My focus has changed.  It’s sharpened even though I still forget things.  I’m doing the job of two people on some levels.  I’m being ask to really take that Fool’s Child leap off the cliff and watch the magic happen.  It’s already happening.  It’s not easy and is challenging me on many levels.  I’m looking forward to seeing what comes of all of this.

Some other feelings that really seem to be highlighted are feelings of losing more and more of a connection to the 3D existence.  I feel like I’m walking between two worlds a lot of the time right now.  Though I’ll admit I haven’t quite figure out how this 4th Dimensional shift is going to occur but I can say that I feel like I’m feeling it happening right now.  Of course, that’s a good thing, but what will my experience be like in the final stages of shifting over?  Well, whatever the experience becomes is exactly what I will need…hard as it may be but then again it might also be the most amazing feeling in the Universe.

The first retreat without Jill and Casey happens in 8 days.  There’s a lot of work to be done to prepare the tambos, the kitchen, the land, and the Maloka.  It’s challenging work but the rewards are very worth the experiences I’m having.  You get to see people work on their own healing.  In some cases, you get to see amazing transformations and people opening up like a an egg being cracked on the side of a bowl.  You see hearts healing, bodies healing, thought processes shifting, perceptions changing and so many more things.  In 4 days we begin preparing the land with a lot of cultivation, cleaning of the tambos, stocking the tambos with necessary items like candles, mosquito coils and 5 gallons of purified water.  The water tanks have to be filled to accommodate large groups, laundry, dish washing, showers and various other things that water is used for.  Consumption can go quickly and we even advise our guests to be mindful of water use.  The water tanks have to be checked often to monitor water usage versus supply.  We don’t get fresh water from the village every night even though we should.  Additionally, we prepare a feast for the welcoming brunch and the welcoming dinner.  This means a lot of food shopping the day before the guests arrive and a lot of food prep to make this all happen.

Once the guests have settled into their tambos and enjoyed the welcome brunch we all gather in the Maloka for the welcoming meeting.  This meetings gives all of the important stuff they need to know about the property, the kitchen, accommodations, ceremonies, shamans, etc.  There’s a lot of information to go over.  Then dinner is served and everyone gets a good nights rest because the next night will be their first ceremony of the retreat.  I’ve seen a lot of anticipation going into the first ceremony.  It’s refreshing to see the excitement and wonderment of a first timer.  It reminds me of my first Ayahuasca days.  Then it’s simply a matter and making sure that all of the wheels of the retreat operations are greased nicely throughout the rest of the retreat.  I will be running my ass off everyday for two weeks.

There’s a lot coordination in this job. There’s a lot of planning everyday.   There’s a lot of having to think on the run and being flexible 24/7.  If you are not an adaptable person you would have a hard time in this environment.  But if you are someone who is up for a good stiff transformation or two then you’d fit right in.

The coming months are going to test many of my perceived limits.  Hell, it’s already happening.  I’m grateful for this opportunity to see some real magic happen in my life because I feel some big changes coming up.  I don’t know what it is exactly but something is happening and it feels good!  So, in spite of all my  complaining and belly aching and griping, I did choose this journey after all.  I take full responsibility for everything that I’m going to learn and go through until it’s done!

It’s been awhile since I’ve updated my blog due in big part to the fact that what I’ve been processing since my Heart-Shaped Perspective blog from November 5th has been so rapid and extraordinary for me that it’s been difficult to put it into words.  I just couldn’t seem to motivate myself to write down what I thought I was experiencing just before coming back to the Jungle.  The uneasiness that I was feeling about coming back, I understand now, what due to something that I was afraid to face.  And oddly enough, it’s also what I’ve asked to have changed about myself.  Well, here it comes.  Couple this with the 4D shifting and I feel like I’ve been tossed in the Cosmic Washing Machine being forced to find my center and focus.  I don’t feel like I’ve got much of a choice.  Anyway, the premonition was correct.  In fact, I could feel it in Lima.

The bus ride from Cusco to Lima was a total of about 22.5 hours through winding mountain roads in the darkness of night. I left Cusco at 5pm and the sun was already setting, so I wouldn’t see the sun again until 5:30am the next morning.  I was blessed with a very clean and professional bus service.  They fed us snacks twice and fed us breakfast in the morning a few hours away from Lima.  I was very impressed especially for the price that I got the ticket.  For the most part, aside from the curves in the mountains, this was a far more enjoyable bus ride than my previous trip from Pucallpa to Lima.  My stay in Lima was actually nice this time.  I didn’t allow myself to get swindled this time.  My room was a bit tiny but it had it’s own shower.  I got to shop for some badly needed underwear and sandals and I got to taste some of the best, and cheapest, Lomo Saltado made by a small mom-and-pop restaurant.  I got to spend time with my friend Felipe and we had great conversation talking about life.  It was very comforting to me and helped get my trip to Pucallpa off my mind for a few hours.

Now, the trip back to Pucallpa was not on as nice a bus but it was clean.  The bathroom didn’t work again.  I’m beginning to wonder if any of Trans Mar’s busses have a working toilet?  Oh, well…the price was right again.  They did feed us two snacks but did not buy us breakfast, mainly because we pulled into Pucallpa an hour earlier than scheduled.  We arrived at 6:20am.  The 15 hour trip over the Andes is always exciting.  You have very windy roads, very slow heavy haul trucks going 2 miles per hour, raging rivers off to the left of the bus, military guards boarding the bus to protect you from potential robbers who also asks for a propina, which is a tip.  You have flood waters crashing over parts of the highway that had been previously washed of its concrete foundation making it a very slow go at times.  The movies were definitely the worst movies I’ve ever scene.  There were three of them and each film had the same theme.  It was about these screaming, nasty, spoiled cheerleader type girls in college and it was all in spanish.  Needlesstosay, I didn’t get much sleep on the bus and by the time we had pulled into Pucallpa at the butt crack of dawn, I had fallen into a fairly deep sleep.  So, now I had to get my groggy butt off the bus to collect my luggage and hope it was all still down there.

I decided that I wasn’t going to go to the port right away to catch a boat to Tierra Vida.  I knew I was going to  be walking into a retreat in progress and that Jill and Casey could potentially be distracted and maybe even a little tired and stressed.  I decided to go get a good breakfast and juice myself up with some stronger Peruvian coffee and check internet and let everyone know I made it safely.  Then it was off to the Port of Yarina where I would begin my journey into another dimension.  At least that was a big insight I believed I received just before leaving for Lima.

The weather was very hot and sticky.  It didn’t take long for me to begin sweating especially with having to lug around a 40 pound backpack and lighter rolling suitcase type.  Even after getting rid of old clothing and things I just didn’t feel attached to, I still had two full bags of stuff.  How did that happen?  I came down with one bag and a smaller backpack.  Weird.  Anyway, the trip on the collectivo boat back to Tierra Vida suddenly began a very difficult process.  Something was different.  It didn’t feel the same as when I was there before.  I wasn’t exactly expecting that it would be but I didn’t realize how dramatic the feeling would actually be.  It took me several, several days of wondering if I had made the right decision to come back.  What came to me one night was that it wasn’t the energy of Pucallpa or Tierra Vida that had changed.   It was me that had changed.  As I looked back at the changes from being in the Sacred Valley and Ollantaytambo, I saw how the energies of fear and lack and fear have very dramatically shifted in me.  It doesn’t mean I don’t still experience fear but it’s more about what I do with it when I’m confronted with it.  I feel like I’m being downloaded with ways of transforming my perspective, repainting my world, touching up the flaws and repairing and restoring myself back to my original version, only in the flesh this time.

As I’ve spent time on this land again for the last three weeks, I’ve experienced a lot of difficult emotions.  The rainy season has arrived and we’ve been living in fairly wet conditions especially during this last retreat.  The mud and mosquitos proved to be a bit of a challenge but when it’s wet all the time if tests us all in many ways.  It’s difficult to wash and dry clothes in the rains.  We have a system for dealing with the mud inside of the buildings.  We take our shoes off outside.  It gets pretty humid and you might was well plan to take a few showers during the day.  Walking, walking, walking…we walk everywhere and sometimes 4 or 5 times to and from the front to the back of the property where the Moloka  and Tambo #5 are.  That’s takes about 3 minutes if it isn’t rainy and muddy.

One day, I realized that I could be in deep kimshee if I didn’t learn to change my perspective, accept responsibility for the decision I made, look at the bigger picture, be grateful for the decision I made because I mean, I really set myself up this time.  I asked to change certain things about myself.  I’ve asked to more fully understand what my own personal spiritual development is all about apart from everyone else.  I’ve asked to be given back the ability to tap into unending strength in every moment and I’ll be dammed if I’m not manifesting every single thing I’ve asked for.  These next 4.5 months are not going to be easy.  Yeah, yeah, I know…what you say and what you think is what will happen.  But this is different for some reason.  I know it will be difficult because my ego is about to go through the grinder and I am being asked to find and keep my center in all moments.  Cool thing is I actually believe I can do it.  I will have my Qi Gong and meditation times but my focus is refining and though I know not where it leads it’s being screamed at me to stay only in the present moment right now.  Uh….ok!  This could be a little tough but I’m not willing to stand there and not try.

I feel like this period I’m down here in the jungle is going to be one of the biggest shifts I’ve ever experienced.  It’s a bit scary because it means another rebirth, another shedding of the outer skin that no longer serves my highest good.  The road feels rough ahead in spots but the final outcome is like a bright shinning light that radiates it’s energy in all directions for all to benefit.  We are the warriors of the light.  The darkness serves it’s purpose, too, and shouldn’t be ignored.  It should be given equal attention because the dark and the light are every bit a part of who we all are.  One cannot exist without the other.  Our shadow side, our ego has taught us many lessons.  I’m sure this is rudimentary to many of my enlightened friends but it never hurts to send out a reminder.

So, to update everyone.  I’ve now worked through 1.5 retreats and we have a new retreat starting on December 28th with 14 guests.  This is a very large group for us.  We will be busy!  The previous two retreats went really well.  Casey and Jill began training me and handing over things little by little as if I was actually running the retreat.  The responsibility is overwhelming.  I will be the goto guy for the whole operation.  This includes managing the native workers, two volunteers, taking care of the maintenance that needs to be done including the filling of our important water tanks, brewing of new batches of Ayahuasca, making sure the kitchen operations are going smoothly.

Thankfully, we have Gary that will take care of most of the kitchen needs.  I just have to make sure that the shopping gets done for each day.  I also have to keep a budget and record food, transportation, gas and labor for the workers.  I’m also responsible for handling all the money and receiving money from the guests.  I’ll have to exchange money often times because guests usually bring dollars.  Hmmph!  That’s just the tip of the iceberg.  I’m very thankful that we will have two volunteers and our Chef Gary to assist.  So, Gary and I are essentially the facilitators of this retreat.  But I will carry more responsibility.  We’re both a little nervous but we also know what we are capable of.

One of the things that will be hard is not having a lot of personal time.  I will have to be visible for much of the day to answer questions, visit with guests and all the while make sure the bathrooms and showers are getting cleaned each day, tending to guests requests and the other things I listed earlier.  Pretty much during a retreat I will not be coming into town except a few times maybe to communicate with Jill and Casey.  Actually, we’re not sure how that is going to work out yet but we’ll figure something out before they leave.  So, personal time issues are going to be a challenge.  That includes limited time on the internet.  If I’m coming into town to check email I won’t have much time to respond to messages.  It’s only when I can get a hotel for the night or we have a few weeks between retreats that I can use the internet more.  So, communication is also going to be a challenge for me.  This retreat doesn’t end until January 5th.  I won’t be able to really do internet until after the 5th when I can get a hotel room again.  So, that sucks but it is what it is and I’m being grateful for having a whole night to myself in an airconditioned room with a hot and cold shower, a pool, Wifi and all for a very reasonable price.  What a great blessing.  Oh, and this is our News Years 2012 retreat, so we will be in ceremony on New Years Eve.  I’m so down with that!  I can’t wait to facilitate that ceremony.

The list really goes on.  When I make it through this I hope to see that golden light radiating from my being to benefit everyone and everything.  Sounds weird, I know, but this is what my heart tells me now.  The shift is happening.  I know many of you can see it in everyday things.  Items appear one day and are missing from the exact spot the next day.  Feelings of nothing being real around you can be common.  A feeling of being disconnected but not really disconnected.  A feeling like all you can see is a fog ahead of you.  You’re not being allowed to view anything in the future right now or you may not see through a specific period and but then on the other side you see once again events that go beyond that point.

Bring it on.  Mistakes and all.  Let’s just get this over with.  I’m done with being messed with and manipulated by energies that don’t understand or simply disregard the Law of Free Will.  I’m done with my emotions being manipulated.  I’m almost ready to fully be in my own power.  Oh God, that was a mouthful.  And Yes, I did say “Almost”.  There’s still a little more resistance to work through but I predict that I will have worked through it by the end of my first retreat in January.  And if I don’t then at least I will know that I’ve made it through another layer of making this important transformation.

One really positive thing that I think is cool is I came here with very little money.  During the course of the last two retreats I was able to do about 12 or 13 massages and earn a little money.  Talk about the Universe taking care of me.  And the list goes on.  Many blessings to be found in this situation.

“Oh dear Creator!  Keep feeding me that yummy “strength” vibration.  It’s working!  You’re awesome!”

–Love,  Steve

The other day I took a hike to one of the sites that I journeyed to called Pumamarca back in August and September during a San Pedro ceremony with several friends.  Pumamarca is an ancient Incan warrior spiritual training site where warriors would go to work on their spiritual relationships with themselves and the spirits that supported their culture some 500 years ago.  It was where they went to do their medicine work with San Pedro and whatever other plant medicines they were called to work with.  The end result, of course, being that they developed a much closer relationship with themselves and learned to tap into higher levels of wisdom and personal power.

This hike back to this familiar energy was a day of processing a lot of emotions.  My friend and companion that I had spent quite a bit of time with on various hikes and personal heart-to-heart conversations had left to return back to her home in Australia.  Her sudden decision to return home for another round of “reality checks” instead of staying in Peru was not a surprise to me.  I knew this decision she had been contemplating would eventually take her back to her home in Adelaide for a time but it didn’t ease the void that would occur in my heart from her missing presence.  She has been a great friend and companion along my own journey and we seem to share many of the same struggles and triumphs through out our time together.

As I hiked back to Pumamarca I reminisced on our journey with San Pedro that we took together along with a couple of other good friends back in September, as well as , many other hikes we had taken together.  The energy we shared, the thoughts and feelings we processed together became a deep part of my soul and now she would no longer be there to share these amazing times with.  I felt, as I took each step towards the sacred site, that I was processing a little grief for the both of us as tears of sadness would fall occasionally accompanied by that ever so familiar pressure in my chest from missing a valued companion.  And yet, it would be followed by waves of joy and gratitude for what we had shared, too.  This was but one of the changes now encompassing my world.

The other changes include a few other things.  Some of which I’ve chosen not to share as I feel I need to keep this part of what’s going on with me between me and Source.  However, recently, I have had to change my living situation due in part to controllable and uncontrollable circumstances. I’ve moved into another hostel recently due to some circumstances that fit both categories mentioned before.  Initially, it caused me to be in some fear and even some loneliness as I would no longer be “living” with the few “familiars” that I had grown accustomed to being around.  These familiars are all wonderful people but they would now no longer be a part of my everyday life adding to the initial feeling of loneliness that came over me when my friend from Australia left.  It doesn’t mean that I would not be having contact with them during the rest of my stay here until the end of November, however, it simply means that I will no longer be waking up to breakfast and experiencing the daily grind with them.  Perspective!

The other things that changed are my ability to have 24/7 access to Wifi in order to keep in touch with family and friends, blogging, research. spanish studies, etc.  This new hostel does not have Wifi access.  Not such a big deal.  Gives me more time to do my local spanish studies and spend a bit more time contemplating this next phase of my life going back to Pucallpa in December. Admittedly, I’m not fully at ease with this transition yet.  Some reasons are obvious and others aren’t quite so obvious. The biggest message I’ve been getting through all of this is to continue to look at the bigger picture rather than all the fine details that make up this puzzle I’m putting together.  But I have been struggling with some continued focus on the finer details.  Every time I go back to the bigger picture though the pressure in my chest eases and I’m suddenly in a better space. So, why do I keep going back to the finer details?  Hell if I know…old habits creeping in perhaps?  I’m definitely working on getting more clarity about this now.

Back to my hike up to Pumamarca.  Along the way I kept noticing all these heart-shaped rocks that kept appearing on my journey. I’ve noticed them before but once they came into my awareness I started noticing them all over the place.  I even took some time to watch the clouds coming into the valley and heading over the mountains on the other side.  At one point, the shadow of a cloud was blanketing the mountain side across from me and it was in the shape of a heart.  Was I bringing this energy into my awareness or was the universe working on my heart and the healing process it was going through?  Either way, it was comforting on some levels to see so many hearts along the way.

Many of these heart-shaped rocks were very obvious and they were in many different sizes but there was this one rock that that I encountered that was not so obvious if you had approached it from another direction.  Only approaching it from the direction I came was I able to see the heart shape of the rock.  This made me realize that I was being given a little piece of wisdom that I had never thought about before. The perspective of something that you are looking at could possibly change the view of the object that you were observing.  What I got from that was even though many things are changing in my physical world lately and depending on the angle of which I’m viewing these changes could very easily change my perspective and thus either create a good or bad feeling within me.  I believe I’m being asked to change the way I’m viewing these changes so that they don’t feel so uncomfortable right now, thus changing my perspective on them.  As I said before, I’m seeing that I need to focus on the bigger picture of this next leg of my journey rather than focusing on finer details.

I didn’t say this was going to be easy.  Since that realization I’ve been back and forth with my feelings trying to find a greater discipline in seeing only the bigger picture.  Unfortunately, the finer details have to appear and be present in order for me to complete this phase. The question is for me, how do I balance the need to pay attention to the finer details with the obvious need to also focus on the bigger picture and thus help me in achieving a more consistant state of well being? Maybe that is to be my next challenge in this month as I wait to transition back to the jungle.

For now, I’ve been blessed with a really cool hostel where the room is done in almost solid wood with a vaulted ceiling and natural round wood beams crossing from wall to all.  I have my own bathroom (which I didn’t in the last hostel).  I also have a set of french doors that look to the southern mountain peaks giving me lots of light and fresh air to circulate in the room.  The size of the room is bigger than where I was and gives me the feeling of lots of space to accommodate my big thoughts and feelings…lol.  The hostel has a big courtyard with lots of living plants and even a few San Pedro cactus that I feel are holding space for me.  There is a large kitchen where I can cook meals and make a comforting cup of coca tea whenever I want.  The hostel seems to be very quiet in spite of it’s size.  It also has a roof top area where you can view the surrounding mountains and ruins 360 degrees.  I’m also blessed with a lot of time to myself at this point.  Even though it can feel a little lonely because I’m used to there always being people around, I feel like this alone time in important. Besides, I found a hostel/cafe that is open until 10pm and can use the Wifi connection anytime I feel the need to connect.  Really, as I sit here and think about the bigger picture the Universe, my higher self…whatever you want to call it has put me in a very ideal situation?  It’s the other stuff that I need to relax my thoughts on and trust that all is in divine order and that I’m right where I need to be.

To add to the blessings I’ve been given I also know that I am not alone, no matter how lonely I feel. My friends and family have been very supportive during every part of my journey.  I just hope that you all know how much you’re all in my thoughts and prayers everyday!  Life is good!  What angle are you coming from to change your perspective on your situation right now?  If something doesn’t feel quite right or you’re having a hard time getting out of a difficult energy maybe it’s time you approach the heart-shaped rock from a different direction helping you to achieve a different perspective?  Just sayin’! 

Like the fetus and dependent child, live on faith in the order of the universe. Know that you are taken care of. In accepting this law (trust in the Universe), you can be the Fool; you can relax, be yourself, take risks, play.  As the innocent Fool and wide-eyed Child, be open and curious. This receptive state of mind makes you intuitive, original, spontaneous and present. Allow your natural genius expression. Like the child, you have tremendous vitality, a youthful energy that wants to move about, experience and learn. If you occasionally fall on your face, that’s part of growing.  As the number of this card, zero, you are like spirit, you are everywhere and nowhere, lost and secure, young but wise, silly yet serious. Follow the spirit (your toucan angel guides) rather than the practical and conventional. Taking such a leap of faith may allow you to be fooled in a worldly sense, but it also gives you a rebirth through a mystical, transcendent experience which brings a breath of fresh air (Ehecatl —the Aztec wind god), a new life and a new beginning.

From the very beginning of this journey from the point at which I decided to make my trip to Peru a reality I have been operating under the frequency of the Fool Child.  Stepping off the cliff into never before explored territories physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually has proven to be one of the toughest things I’ve done and at the same time one of the biggest blessings I’ve received since being born into this life time.  Through the many hikes that I’ve done in the awe-inspiring Andes mountains of the sacred valley of Peru the lessons of learning to live through the heart and ultimately by my faith in the universe has expanded to deeper levels.  As I hike the narrow trails of the mountains around Ollantaytambo, often overlooking steep precipices and cliffs into deep valleys of rivers and ancient fallen stones, I’m reminded of the reason I made this journey in the first place.

To step off into the unknown without the ability to fully see what lies ahead as I place one foot in front of the other is likened to my hikes in the surrounding mountains of this valley.  Like many of the trails traversing the sides of these steep mountains, you often can’t see what lies ahead.  In many cases, the trail up ahead seems to head straight over the cliff and it isn’t until you reach the apex of that blind spot that you see there is more of the trail to continue trekking on.  Sometimes you can see the trail for a half a mile or so and many times the trail is obscured by a corner or another incline that doesn’t reveal the fact that there’s more of that trail beyond the blind spot.  Then you realize that you are safely able to continue forward in your journey.

This has been the case with my trip here in Peru.  Most of the time I have felt like I’ve been blinded by several corners or inclines where I was not able to see what lie ahead and other times the view to the other parts of my path have been very clear providing a brief respite in my fears or anxiety of what possibly might be waiting for me on the other side.

Today was one of those types of days.  It’s Halloween and tomorrow it will be nearly one month from making another big leap in my already amazing journey of growth and expansion.  I woke up with an usual amount of anxiety in my body this morning.  My emotions were in extra-sensitive mode.  I started out by doing a few things that I normally do when the energy in my body gets too intense.  Then I got up and decided to take a shower and eat some breakfast to see if I could shift some of this energy.  The kitchen/dining area of the hostel where everyone eats breakfast in the morning was completely full.  ”Great!”, as I thought to myself.  I really needed some quiet time where I didn’t have to interact with people and could sit quietly, eat my breakfast and try to process what I was feeling.  But that wasn’t going to happen.

I greeted everyone in the kitchen with resistance and with a half-baked smile wondering how I was going to make it through this breakfast without breaking down.  I poured a cup of coffee, made up a couple of pieces of bread with some butter and pineapple jelly and was immediately engaged into a conversation with a new couple that arrived last night.  They were from Canada and talking about their plans while being in Peru.  Their journey just began.  I quickly settled into being curious about their plans as they retorted back with questions of their own about how long I had been here, which quickly turned into an explanation of why I was here in Peru for as long as I had been.  I was not in the mood to go through this explanation as I had many times in the past but with a much more willing spirit.

With a smile and as sincere attempt as I could, I made it through the conversation, my eggs, coffee and another helping of bread and quickly dismissed myself with the sole intention of climbing back into bed knowing that I had more work to do with this energy that was consuming me.  I crawled back under the covers, put on my headphones with my theta sounds music and determined that I was not going to climb out of this bed until I could diminish this energy enough to continue on with my day.  I started at 9:30am and didn’t climb out of bed again until nearly 12:30pm.  During the course of working through this energy I prayed and meditated only to find the energy getting more and more intense.  Where was this energy coming from?  Was this my energy or someone else’s?

By the end of the “I just wanna crawl into a cave and disappear” session I figured out that some of this anxiety of was not mine and some of it was.  The “wasn’t mine” part had to do with picking up on the sadness and anxiety of my friend from Australia who just today decided she needed to go back home for awhile.  She had originally planned to stay in Peru for another 6 months but the universe through other circumstances made it clear otherwise.  This will be a very emotional departure for her as she has been on a very similar journey of growth as myself and we have developed a special bond because of it.  Her bond to other aspects of her journey are also a source of sadness with the reality that she has to detach from the attachments that she made since being here…an energy that I’m all too familiar with.

The “was mine” part was due to the fact that I was beginning to process the energy of having to leave Ollantaytambo in a month and the starting of another change in my environment.  I was also facing having to change hostels again.  I had grown accustom to staying at Casa de Wow but ever since getting back from Bolivia I had sensed that the energy here for me had shifted but wasn’t sure what that shift was all about until I left my room to head out for the day.

The owner of the hostel asked me if we could have a “check-in” talk.  In two days I was going to have leave the hostel because of a dramatic change in plans that was supposed to take me to another hostel two days earlier where I would be doing some work-trade in exchange for renting a room.  Well, that situation ended up taking a big dive off the cliff.  Last Friday, I headed over to the Full Moon lodge which is being run by a young kid for his uncle who lives in Miami.  This young man and I had talked even before I went to Bolivia that he very badly wanted me to do work-trade for him after I got back.  We confirmed that after I returned from Bolivia and set the date of last Saturday for me to move into his hostel and begin the work-trade.  That previous Friday I went over to visit him and to take him a hand-made reservation book that I worked up for him to help him organize his reservations only to be told that he would not be able to do that work-trade program with me. This was because his uncle (the owner of Full Moon Lodge) was going to be in town for longer than was originally planned.  And that his uncle was sleeping in the room that I was going to occupy.

SO…as you see, these plans were not meant to be and I was no longer scheduled to stay at Casa de Wow starting the next day. Long story short, Winn from Casa de Wow, had a last minute cancellation so I was able to retain my room for at least another 3 nights.  However, after that I was going to have to find another place to stay.

This ended up being part of the anxiety that I was feeling today.  But I also knew that this was one of those situations where the universe or my higher self was reminding me not to get too comfortable and that it was important that I keep mixing things up. Stagnation is not a good thing for me right now.  I think because there is so much shifting going on inside of me that it would be too easy for me to fall back into some old patterns that at one time had kept me in a holding pattern longer than I should have been.  I also realized that staying at Casa de Wow was not for my highest good and my best growth.  Then again, all is in divine order, right?

Just like the Fool Child stepping off the cliff into the abyss of the unknown with faith and courage, once again I’m stepping into the ever changing and unknowing path of my conscious journey.  I sometimes feel lost but up to this point the universe has yet to fail to provide some kind of solid ground for me to step out onto.  I’ve slipped a few times but I haven’t broken any bones or disabled my ability to keep moving forward.  I’ve been met with amazing personalities, growth building situations, unexpected shifts in consciousness and thought paradigms, and an ultimate realization that I am changing, growing and strengthening my very soul’s constitution in every moment that I chose to step forward instead of retreating and staying in fear.  My very being is changing into a new “ME” every second as I move closer to the divine being that I originally started out as who is unlimited in what he is capable of doing and accomplishing.

On November 30th I will be heading back to Lima, Peru and eventually back to the jungle in Pucallpa to the northeast of the sacred valley where I first began my journey in May of 2011.  This time I will be taking on the responsibility of facilitating the Ayahuasca retreats for Tierra Vida Healing Retreats instead of volunteering.  Who would have thought?

As I look back over the months being in Ollantaytambo and each of my journeys that I’ve done in and around this amazing Incan village, I realize that each moment has lead up to this point of being ready to take on this next challenge.  I also realize that each hike I’ve taken, each fear that I’ve faced, each journey outside of Ollantaytambo and every interaction that I have had with people from all over the world has helped me to expand and grow to the point of being ready to perform yet another important role in my own personal development and journey into the unknown.

As I have more and more experiences of walking this path of faith and learning to follow and find the path of least resistance by being in the flow and seeing that I am completely responsible for every experience that I have, more and more of the fear and resistance that I create becomes less and less of my actual experience along the way.  One day, I see myself gliding easily through many of the situations that once used to cause fear and anxiety within myself.  I can honestly say that I am proud to be a Fool Child walking in this world!

Prior to coming down here, I had made the decision to come to Peru through a series of synchronistic flows of energy that became more and more obvious as the days and even minutes went by leading into December of 2010.  As mentioned in previous blogs there were obvious signs that big changes for me were about to occur.  Though my awareness or my connection to my divine guidance wasn’t truly suffering, I was suffering under the illusions of fear.  I don’t think there was much that I wasn’t fearing; fear of not be connected enough, fear of lack, lack, lack, lack and more lack, not being good enough, not being spiritual enough, not being connected enough and what was truly lacking in all of this was the lack of connection to myself.

So one fateful day in December as I was working on a kitchen remodel job for a great goddess friend of mine in Portland, I broke off an abusive relationship and began to solidify my connections to my future journey in a land I had only dreamed of visiting. What’s even more interesting is in spite of the abuse I was experiencing in this relationship some amazingly wonderful things were coming out of it such as creating a vision board of my dreams that I wanted to fulfill in this life time.  Some of those images on my dream board were of the sacred sites in Peru that I have been close to or visited since I’ve been here.  Just having the energy of these visions apparently became a very powerful source for quickly manifesting these dreams.  Why?  Because it’s wasn’t but 8 months following the completion of this vision board before I was boarding a plane to this life changing destination and the beginning of a process that would take me to new heights in connecting to myself on deeper levels and searching for long awaited answers on how to work through all the illusions that were holding me back from being the person in this physical realm that I already am on a higher level.

The illusion of fear has been a long standing theme in my life from early on I’ve realized.  Once upon a time I used to face my challenges but with each of those challenges usually accompanied a debilitating fear that would sometimes paralyze my thought processes and even my motivation for moving forward.  Once I made the decision back in December to confront these illusions and my shadow side on a different level there was no turning back.  It would be four full months of mentally and emotionally preparing myself for the day that I would get on that plane and not be able to jump out with a parachute on my back as an escape route should I choose to change my mind.  Not this time.  Once getting on that plane I was committed to sticking this venture out to whatever end my higher self had in mind.  I was going to trust this time.

For four months I processed under conditions that were less desirable in my perception at the time but  ended up being exactly what I needed to prepare for a life of uncertainty and trusting in myself that I could make it through whatever I decided to put myself through.  And let there be no mistake that this was MY journey and I was holding myself holy responsible for the experiences I was about to embark on.

The process of this preparation for taking off into a world I’ve never known before in my conscious mind, but would soon find out that I had done this before in my subconscious was difficult.  I spent many hours alone thinking about what I might experience after arriving in a foreign land and continuing my work with a sacred plant medicine that ultimately commanded my attention and respect in all ways.

If I was going to grow, I was going to have to open my entire being up to a new way of thinking and a whole new paradigm of being.  I was bound and determined that I was going to learn what the illusion of fear was all about and how to work with it instead of fighting against it.  I was determined that I would no longer be at war with fear rather I would learn to relate to it on its vibration and its level and learn to make it my alley instead of my enemy.  This very lesson would be and has been the pinnacle of many lessons I’ve learned in this life time.

The first three months at Tierra Vida Healing retreats tested me on multi-dimensional levels.  First, there was the fact that I was entering a new country that I had never visited and a way of life that was completely foreign to my entire being on the 3rd dimensional physical plane.  Second, there was the language barrier issue that would challenge me on even greater levels in spite of making limited efforts to study the spanish language before leaving.  Third, there was the challenge to face with courage and faith the very things that I became so good at denying and avoiding in my life back in the states.

I was about to head into the lions den with no shields, no swords for combat and a level of vulnerability that I had never experienced before.  Holy Shit!  What had I done?  The first three weeks at the retreat center alone was enough to send any scared soul running for the abyss.  I can’t even count on one hand the number of times that I wanted to pack up my bags and get on that plane and head back home to the safety of my homeland.  But I kept telling myself that I wasn’t going to fall for the illusion of fear anymore.  This was my time to transform this energy into an energy that was going to work for me instead of allowing it be the force that would lead to my eventual spiritual and emotional death if I allowed.

Slowly but surely the energy of my fears began to transform over the summer, or winter as it is in the southern hemisphere.  As I slowly gained confidence in my ability to communicate with the Castellano language I also gained more confidence in being able to do simple but important things like going into town to shop for food and supplies on my own.  I slowly integrated with the Shipibo family that was care taking the land as I was forced to work with them on projects and even guide and direct certain individuals on projects in the kitchen or the coordination in other projects.  I worked hard carrying my iPhone dictionary around trying to learn more and more verbs and vocabulary to become more comfortable with the language.

Sometimes my emotions would be stronger than I thought I could handle and my motivation would suffer under the fear energy. Then I would complete a building project and have a successful trip into town with my language communication with the locals and all that fear that I thought I had would melt away as if it were never there.  I also attribute my work with the Ayahuasca plant medicine to be a rather large factor in helping to accomplish my goals of working through this fear energy.

By the end of the three months as a volunteer at Tierra Vida I had reached a stage in my healing and transformation of this thing called fear that prepared me for the next phase of my growth.  That would be my journey to the Sacred Valley and the village of Ollantaytambo.

Before leaving for Ollantaytambo I noticed that I had the same anxiety and fear that had prior to coming to Pucallpa, Peru, however, the energy this time was different.  I was more nervous than fearful.  The anxiety seemed to be more muted and subdued as if someone had covered guitar strings with their hands and attempted to pluck the strings to bring out their crystal clear metallic sounds.  This time the piercing energy of my fear was muffled and I left Pucallpa with a sense of wonder and excitement about what I was going to experience.  It was plane to me that I had grown and healed on a level that was once again allowing me to see through a child’s eyes.  The wonder and amazement that goes with the innocence of a child when they discover their first sea of grass in the yard of their home or the touch of their first fuzzy animal snuggling up to them with nothing but pure, egoless love.

Once I got on the bus headed to Lima and settled myself into my hostel I went crazy with exploration.  I had even made a few new friends online that were ready to greet me in Lima to show me around and be a protector for a new visitor who still had things to learn being in a foreign country.  Lima is well known to have some of the best pick pockets and harbingers of stealth thievery.  I actually became a victim of some smooth talking vipers that had no interest other than to scam me for as much money as they could.  Fortunately, I came out of that situation mostly unscathed but I was tempted to harshly judge myself for being so naive. For a brief hour or two the illusion of fear came back.  Was I ever going to get rid of this crazy energy that seemed to haunt me from day one that I actually became aware of what fear was?

During those hours of self judgment and persecution I felt the energy fill my very core.  I bathed myself in this energy until I recognized why it was there.  It was only there because I had allowed it to be there.  I quickly came into alignment with the part of me that was ready to let this energy go.  I thanked this energy for what it had been teaching me all these years and a I gracefully said goodbye to it because I no longer needed the lessons it had been attempting to teach me.  I’ve moved beyond this infiltration and agent of submission and was ready to stand on my own admission of responsibility to myself.  I was ready to move into a new paradigm of thought to launch me further into knowing my true self and making friends with this illusionary entity.

I moved onto to Cusco by plane thinking and contemplating the possible experiences that I was going to have but a new fear began to over take me.  I was no longer under the care and guidance of Jill and Casey and the Shipibo family at Tierra Vida.  I would no longer have Jill Levers to rely on for language interpretation and I would no longer have anyone to hold my hand as I entered now the land of the Incas.  I was truly on my own.  This was one of the fears that I was not able to resolve prior to leaving for Peru back in May of 2011.  Even though I had a reservation at a hostel I still didn’t know if I was going to like the people or be comfortable with the accommodations.  I doubted on certain levels my ability to navigate my way through the language barrier thing and even had a few doubts about my ability to sense trouble when it was staring me in the face.  The biggest fear at this time was about what I was going to do come September 3rd when it would be time for me to board my plane back to Oregon.

I had arrived in Ollantaytambo on August 15th and as we traveled in a collectivo bus from Cusco and motored deeper into the Sacred Valley, once again my fears began to fade and melt into the energy of the journey.  I arrived in Cusco fairly late and halfway to Ollantaytambo the sky began to dust itself with the glow of sunset and twilight.  I was packed into a rusted old van with murky squished down seats with several locals who were making the 1-hour plus trip to the village that I would be spending the next two months in.  You want to talk about standing room only?  This van was less than standing room only as it was customary to jam in as many fares as possible into these transports.  No seat belts or harnesses were available to protect you in case the driver decided to unconsciously get careless and run the van into another car or off the road.  But somehow I knew I would be safe though.  Also, coming deeper into the valley I began to get this sense that I had come home.  This was yet another example of how I perpetuated my own fear programs.

I arrived at the hostel and was greeted by two American women, Winn and Julie, who had big smiles and warm energy that instantly made me feel at home. And for the next two months I would begin to work through yet another level of this fear energy. My room that was awaiting me was perfect. Even though it was night time and I couldn’t see clearly, there was still enough light from the village to outline the enormous structure of the Ollantaytambo fortress that lay directly across from my room’s window.  I could faintly see the temple of the Condor and some of the massive structures of the Temple of Ollantaytambo that I would end up visiting under the cover of darkness in the next week.  Again, I felt a sense of being home.

What was I going to do next?  I’m here now.  Through a series of amazing hikes, visits to indigenous villages high up in the Andes (which I’ve written about in previous blogs), a couple of San Pedro ceremonies and a few side trips outside of Ollantaytambo, I began to work through these next levels of fear and soon I found myself changing my flight back to the states to November 1, 2011. I picked that day because of the significance of 11/1/11.  It’s a powerful master number.  Even though I faced that fear, especially about the cost of changing my flight, I still felt that I wasn’t going to be finished with the Sacred Valley.  I didn’t know what that meant exactly at the time but the deed was done and I began to prepare myself for the eventual arrival back into the reality of my old life.  I even went so far as to come to some conclusions and plans as to what I was going to do when I got back home.  It wasn’t going to be easy but I felt like I had worked through or transformed enough fear to be able to deal with it.

One of the things that I felt I was lead to do was to make a trip to see the Amaru Mur star gate near Puno, Peru and to possibly see a portion of Lake Titicaca.  The Island of the Sun was going to be out of the question because it was in Bolivia and that was going to be extra money that I was going to need to re-establish myself back in Portland once I got there.  I began to make preparations mentally and emotionally much in the same way that I did prior to coming to Peru.  Only this time the preparation seemed to be easier and with much less effort.  I was ready, I think, to make this transition back to western civilization even though deep down inside of me something kept telling me that things were going to change again.

And change they did!  One night back in September just before my birthday, I had a dream of Jill Levers, one of the owners of Tierra Vida Healing retreats where I had volunteered this last winter.  I had never dreamed of Jill before and the details were brief but really stuck out in my head.  The next day I contemplated what this dream could have possibly meant until I received an email later that day asking if I would be interested in managing or facilitating the retreats from January through March or April of 2012. Holy Ayahuasca Retreat, Batman!  Here we go again.  I was running low on money, not to mention that fear that came up about taking on this responsibility.  I felt like this was a direct link to the universe providing a great opportunity and yet I didn’t know how I’d be able to do it financially until the next day when I received yet another surprising email.  A previous Tierra Vida retreat guest decided the night before to catch up on my blogs and decided he wanted to support my journey with a donation.  Holy Amazing Miracles, Batman!  There’s a theme going on here, Steve!  Pay attention!

The signs were obvious!  I didn’t see any other choice but to accept this next challenge.  I knew this was going to be a great opportunity on many levels to once again grow and work through this energy of fear that I have been working so hard to transform, yet the whole situation brought up yet another level fear that I apparently had not dealt with.

That next level was my fear of inadequacy and self judgment.  Dammit!  I thought I was done with this.  When am I going to be done with this?  Arrrrggghhh!  I accepted the position and began to make plans to change my flight yet once again.  Fear, fear, fear, fear, fear, fear!  It’s like the never ending abyss of darkness that just doesn’t seem to want to go away and yet at the same time I knew that this was going to be an even better opportunity to transform and beat this energy once and for all.  I began to wonder why I had decided to take on this lesson prior to coming into this life.  Was this connected to a past life or series of past lives where fear conquered me on very deep levels?  Did I actually die of fear in one or more of these lives?  The reasons quickly became unimportant because what mattered was that I be conscious in each and every moment and pay attention to what my guidance was telling me on how to work through this.

One day while I was meditating the answer came to me.  Actually the answer has always been with me, I just had lost sight of it after coming through a very dark period of my life back in 2000-2005 that stripped me of my confidence and ability to believe in myself.  This was another path I had chosen in order to not only come back into my own personal power but to do it in the right way this time.  What I mean by that is to do it with the guidance and connection to my higher self and to the unity consciousness that makes us truly who we are as spiritual beings.  The answer was to simply step into the energy of these fears as I once did prior to the year 2000.  Once upon a time I used to face my challenges head on but the difference of how I did that back then was with tremendous and crippling fear and trepidation.  This time I was going to step into these fears and not be paralyzed but to go into it with absolute faith that these fears were merely illusions that I no longer had to give power to.  Are you kidding?  Could it actually be that simple?

Well, I guess I was now going to put this concept to the test.  Step into the energy of the fear.  Face the fear head on and summon up the strength to beat down this illusion and transform it into a vibration that will actually support me and propel me forward into greater things.  I decided that I was going to follow a strong calling to go to Lake Titicaca, Puno, Peru.  And because I now had to renew my visa for Peru I was going to have to travel to Copacabana, Bolivia to do this.  YUP!  There are a few ways to renew you tourist visa for Peru and one of them is to leave the country and re-enter.  I didn’t quite understand how this worked until I did it but when you leave Peru with a tourist visa they actually stamp you out of the country.  When you re-enter at another time they stamp you back in.

I didn’t know how long this journey was going to take but I decided that I was going to play it by ear.  This was going to be a big test for me and everything that I had gone through in Pucallpa to the Sacred Valley had prepared me to make this journey to yet another country on my own, without reservations or firm plans except knowing the destination I was eventually going to end up at.  OK…so did the fear come back up again, I’m sure you’re all asking?  Well, hell yeah it did!

Once again I found myself on the road to Cusco, to Puno and eventually to Copacabana and the Island of the Sun.  I ended up spending 6 days on the road seeing the sites of the Amaru Muru star gate, a filled-in tunnel that went from Llave, Peru under the lake to Bolivia many moons ago and eventually to the magical Island of the Sun in Bolivia.  There I would end up staying in 5 different hostels, almost lose my wallet on the island and once again work through threads of remaining fear energy.  I remember getting back from the Island of the Sun to Copacabana after almost stranding myself there misplacing my wallet and a friend of mine intuitively sending me an email that very day telling me he had felt me go through a paradigm shift.  He was right!  Even though I wasn’t fully conscious of this shift yet I knew the frightening experience of nearly being stranded on a remote island in another country has shifted me in some way.

Since getting back from Bolivia I have slowly been noticing more and more a big shift in how this fear energy comes at me and how quickly I am able to dissipate this energy.  It seems to be getting easier and easier but I did come to one important realization about the vibration of fear.  I’ve read all along that fear is an illusion and that more often than not we as humans end up creating more of this energy than anything else.  I’m not sure I’m totally convinced that it’s all an illusion anymore.  In a world of duality there is light and dark.  There is this necessary energy that propels us into greater states of consciousness that allows us to grow and expand.  I’m also not completely convinced that we will ever totally get rid of fear in this physical dimension.  What matters is if you continue to feed that fear and allow it to grow to proportions that bring you to states of paralysis and inability to function or choose to see it for what it is, make it you ally and eventually end up in a state of gratitude, appreciation and joy.  Since these experiences I’m finding myself being more curious than afraid even though the fear vibration is still very present.  It’s just present in a higher light and vibration.  What a dramatic change from almost a year ago.

I’d be lying if I told you that fear doesn’t come into play as my life is bouncing around experiencing the many things that I am on the levels I am but what I can tell you is that the transformation of how I see and work with this energy has definitely taken a turn. I will never to be able to accurately describe how these energies have shifted but I’m here to tell you that if you believe that you can change something about yourself sincerely enough and you stick with it, you WILL see shifts happen.  Sometimes the changes come on subtly and it’s just a matter of paying attention to them but you will see them eventually.  ”Seek and you’ll shall find.”

Bolivia has definitely proven to be a place where I’ve been destined to be challenged, as you’ve read from my previous blog.  My trip to the Island of the Sun continues these challenges and moments for me to step into my own personal power and look for opportunities to view my journeys through life with curiosity and joy rather than fear and trepidation.  I’m pretty sure that my trip to this magical island has shifted me once again in learning to fully trust the Universe and to listen to my intuition and pay attention to the energy around me in all moments.

It’s Wednesday morning, October 19th and I wake up early with anticipation of my journey to the Island of the Sun.  My plans were to take the 8:30am boat to the North end of the island where I planned to spend at least two days away from any and all electronic influence and masses of people.  This was going to be my time to spend in focused meditation, reading and exploring the island to see what gems the Universe had to show me.  Unfortunately, I forgot that Copacabana shifted time an hour ahead from the time zone in Puno, Peru and I ended up missing my boat to the island that morning.  I paid for a roundtrip ticket (30 Bolivianos) to and from the North end of the island back to Copacabana the previous day.  Fortunately, I was able to catch the 1:30pm boat to the South end of the island the same day.  However, what the tour operator didn’t tell me is that I would not be able to catch a boat to the North end of the island because of the time frame.  The same boat that would take me to the south end would not continue on to the North.  I would either have to spend the night in the South end or pay an additional 150 Bolivianos for a private boat to the North.  I opted to stay the night in the South end.  I found out the next day that I would be able to pay a much cheaper price (20 Bolivianos) for a boat to the North end the next morning.  Coincidence or brilliant planning by my higher self to experience what I was about to in order to grow and stretch into another paradigm?

Upon arrival of the South end of the Island of the Sun I was greeted by a harbor of boats that consisted of local ships mixed in with tour boats that ferried visitors from many different countries including Australia, Brazil, UK, Ecuador, New Zealand, Peru, Germany and the United States.  Those were the countries that I became aware of from different conversations I either overheard or engaged in.  There were visitors of all age ranges, as well, but there was a healthy dose of younger travelers in their 20′s and early 30′s.  We pulled up to the harbor and the first thing I noticed was a very long set of stones stairs that were reminiscent of many of the ancient staircases that I had encountered in Ollantaytambo the previous two months.  My first thought was the hope that I didn’t have to lug my heavy back packs up those stairs to find a place to lay my head for the night.

I was greeted on the boat by a local who assisted me in finding a place to stay.  Right there in the harbor was a cute little hostel consisting of two rooms, an outside bathroom and a very tiny local restaurant just below the rooms.  The rooms overlooked the eastern part of the lake looking towards the Island of the Moon and the beautiful array of mountain peaks in the Huayana Potosi mountains well past the eastern shores of Lake Titicaca.  Sunrise would no doubt be an excellent site to see especially with the snow capped mountains to the east right outside my door.  There was nothing special about the room I rented for a mere 30 Bolivianos ($4.40 American).  It has two beds, a night stand, a light and one electrical outlet.  The bathroom/shower combination was at least 40 yards from my room, so if I had to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night it would be a very cool trip as the temperatures would dip to the 40′ or 50′s at night time.  That didn’t account for the wind chill that would buffet the eastern side of the southern part of the island.

I quickly made myself at home, unpacked my necessities and decided to venture up the long hill to see what would await me.  The climb up the grand staircase would reveal many more hostels and hotels, tiny, privately owned stores, and a plethora of restaurants to choose from.  However, most every restaurant offered the same cuisine designed to attracts local visitors.  I slowly made my way to the top of the southern part of the island checking out different hostels for a possible place to stay in the future.  The views were stunning the higher I climbed and the prices were amazingly cheap.  I found this one place that simply felt like home.  A single bed with a private bathroom and a breath taking view of the eastern part of the lake was only 80 Bolivianos ($11.00 American).  However, my quaint little hostel habitacion was much more in my budget for this trip.

I made it to the top and explored the very limited path of additional hostels.  This same path connected to a trail that takes you to the north end of the island.  It is about a 2.5 hour hike.  It was getting to be late in the afternoon and I decided to enjoy the western part of Lake Titicaca looking directly at Puno, Peru where I had spent a day and night prior to coming to Copacabana.  I ordered a beer and an egg and tomato sandwich, shared stories and conversation with a young couple from the UK as the sun was setting directly over Puno.  The sunset was glowing as it set directly over the Peruvian village coating the deep blue lake with a yellow-orange hue.  The air temperature began to dip very rapidly as did the light in the sky.  I knew I had at least a 20 minute hike down the hill to get back to my room and I did not bring a flash light so I ended my sunset viewing and headed down the hill.  On the way down I stopped at a local store to buy some snacks that I figured I would enjoy later on.  At this time, the electricity had gone out on the entire island so it was hard to see what was available in the dusk filled light.  I bought a few items and quickly made my way back to the hostel safe and sound.  I was greeted by a three ladies from Brazil that were out on the large veranda enjoying the dusty skies and cooling breeze with a bottle of Bolivian wine.  We chatted for a few moments and then I decided to bring a book outside with me to enjoy until it got too dark.

I ended up getting too cold as the gentle but firm winds blowing in were too much for even the warm clothes that I had on.  I went inside, climbed in my bed furnished with thick wool blankets with my clothes on and continued reading for awhile until my eyes wouldn’t stay open any longer.  I lit a few candles which provided a comforting and warm glow to the room as I slowly drifted off into deep slumber.  The gentle waves of the lake created by the constant breeze made it feel like I was at home on the ocean.  I love the ocean sounds.  I love being near large bodies of water.  It’s very comforting and healing to me.  I knew this was going to be a great trip for my body and soul.

I woke up the next morning still hearing the sounds of the waves on the lake buffeting the shores.  The sun was just rising.  I stepped out into the chilly air to make a bathroom break and was stopped in my tracks by the beauty of the eastern mountains covered in thick billowy clouds and a slight glow in the horizon.  I knew that I was not going to see the sun actually rise because of the cloud cover but I was ok with that.  I did my business and headed back to bed where I slumbered for a few more hours.  I think it was about 6:30am when I finally decided I needed to get up.  I was slated to catch the 10:00am boat to the North end of the island, so I wanted to have plenty of time to wake up, have some breakfast and pack my things before boarding the boat.

I got dressed and began to search for my wallet and iPhone, which I carry regularly so I can use my local dictionary for help in translating when I need it.  I searched in my smaller back pack where I normally keep my wallet and couldn’t find it.  I searched every pocket without success.  A wave of fear came over me as I continued to search even my larger back pack and every inch of the room thinking my wallet may have fallen on the ground under the bed.  Nothing!  My breathing began to intensify and a cold sweat, in spite of the cool temperatures, came over me.  I was barely awake and yet having to deal with the realization that either my wallet had been stolen or I lost it was a drama I wasn’t sure I was ready to face.  The first thought that came to mind was where I had last used my wallet, which was at the store up on the hill (a 20 minute hike).  I was sure that I had placed my wallet back in my back pack.  I have never lost a wallet in all of my life to this day.  The next thought that crossed my mind was that someone possibly could have snuck into my room that night and quietly taken my wallet.  My room was not lockable from the inside and I actually had to use a padlock on the outside to secure the room.

I found myself staring down the barrel of one of my biggest fears and nightmares on many levels.  The energy of the room was so thick you could have cut it with a knife.  If I had lost my wallet it would have meant that I would be stranded on a remote island in another country with no ability to draw any funds from my account in order to even get off the island back to Copacabana. Additionally, I was in a foreign country 4,800 miles from friends and family with a limited ability to speak and understand the language.  Oddly enough, there were two places up the hill that had satellite Internet service, so at best I would be able to try to contact someone back home for help if needed.  However, there were no Western Union offices on this island.  How would I get money to get back to Copacabana and at least have a shot at trying to get some money to get back to Ollantaytambo where I would have a support system to help me through this situation?  Dear God, the fear that was mounting up would have been enough to cause any human to explode in a frenzy of fear and uncertainty.

I found myself taking many many deep breathes and going back to my spiritual training of remembering that everything happens for a reason.  I began start feeling at ease because I knew from personal experience that the Universe has never put me in a situation that I was not able to handle.  At that point I began to pray to everything I knew that was watching from the other side.  Comforting as it was I still broke down in tears for a brief moment and I remember the story of one of my best friends and how he lost his brief case with all of his important documents and laptop, which was his life.  He conducted his work from his laptop.  In an amazing miracle of the Universe an honest person several hundred miles away from where my friend lived and found his briefcase and saved the day.  That remembrance of this story kept me hopeful that I would be blessed with the same outcome.  But I was also readying myself for the worst outcome and how I was going to handle the situation if it proved true.

I composed myself and packed up my small back pack.  Strangely, for some reason, having my small back pack was like having comfort food even though it was missing an important item; my wallet.  I headed up the hill in the sunrise haze with hardly taking a break.  I was breathing hard and deep, which was probably good for me because breathing deeply helps to relieve tension and fear.  My fear didn’t seem too overwhelming but my mind exhibited otherwise as I continued to think of all the possible consequences of losing this tiny but important item.  Halfway up the hill something happened to me that I’ll never forget.  My energy completely shifted and I felt a voice tell me that everything was going to be alright because my wallet was going to be found safely at the store.  So powerful was this feeling and telepathic communication that I stopped in my tracks.  I suppose I was testing the energy of what I was feeling.  It felt real.  My fears and anxiety completely left me and I just knew that my wallet was waiting for me just ten minutes away from my location.

I got to the store and the same native woman was waiting in the store that had sold me the items the night before.  In my broken way of speaking their language I asked her if she remembered me from the night before.  She smiled and nodded her head but didn’t say anything.  I told her that my wallet was missing and wondered if she had found it.  She began to speak to me very rapidly and it was hard to understand what she was saying.  So, for the next 5 minutes, which seemed like an eternity, I patiently waited for her to stop talking.  At any point, I was waiting for her to say that she did not posses my wallet or coin pouch.  From her words the only thing I could understand was that there were several visitors that entered the store after I left.  The power was out and it was dark but I never heard that she had found my wallet.  The anticipation was killing me, so I finally asked her if she had my wallet.  “Tiene mi cartera?”, I asked.  She walked over to another part of the room, lifted a piece of cloth to reveal my wallet and my coin bag and said, “Sí!”, with a big smile on her face.

OMG!  I nearly dropped to the floor in blessed relief.  So, relieved at the site of my wallet, I grabbed her in a big bear hug and all I could say over and over again was, “Gracias, Dios Mio!”  The natives aren’t particularly touchy-feely people and I think I caught her off guard and she didn’t know what to do.  She stood there with her arms limp not returning the hug and almost wanting to back away from me.  So, I let go and with tears in my eyes gave a big thank you and a smile of gratitude of which she returned the same energy.  I left the store in shock and still shaking a bit as I gave thanks the entire way down the hill to the Universe and Angels for taking care of me once again.  I got to my room, packed up my things and headed to get some breakfast.  I didn’t have much time before I had to catch the next boat to the North end of the island.

So excited at what had just occurred it just didn’t occur to me to give her a reward for being so honest and keeping my wallet in a safe place.  All of the contents were there, so today as I roam the mainland for one more day before returning to Ollantaytambo, I’ve decided to give back to the Universe by handing out Bolivianos to poor people that have been peddling on the streets of Copacabana.  It feels amazing to give back in that way.  I’m only sorry that I didn’t think to do it to the sweet and wonderful woman who guarded my wallet through out the night.

The one- hour boat ride to the North end of the island was very tranquil and full of contemplation as I counted my blessings giving thanks to the Universe time and time again until we hit the dock.  I got off the boat with no reservation for a hostel but was very confident that I’d find something with in the first 30 minutes of disembarking.  I did.  I found a very humble little room much the same as the one that I found in the south end except no electrical outlets and limited running water for the bathrooms.  Basically, that means they turn the water supply off at night and only keep it on during the day, so no toilet flushing in the middle of the night.  I made sure to have plenty of bottled water.

After getting settled in around 11:30am I ate some lunch and decided to explore the tiny village with it’s white sand beach on the northwest side and a trail leading out of the village with amazing views in all directions.  The trailhead lead towards the west to a point of ancient ruins and “la puertas” that were considered sacred to the pre-Incan people of the time.  The nicely groomed path made of stones, mostly, was an easy walk that lasted about 40 minutes to the first point.  From there you could follow another trail that headed east towards the village and climbed in elevation about 150-200 meters.  If you followed the path all the way it would take you to the south end of the island where I spent my first night.

I opted to stop at a point where you could climb to an even higher peak to the left side of the trail instead of making the 2.5 hour trek to the south end.  Once I got up there I was enthralled with yet another stunning view of the lake.  There was an altar area that was built with stones around the peak where you could spend time in quiet contemplation or meditation.  It was a great spot for reading, singing, chanting, flute playing, picture taking or just being and taking in the amazing almost 360 degree view of the lake.  Here I decided to spend quite a bit of time in quiet meditation thanking the Universe once again for protecting me and assisting on this incredible journey.  I also ended up soaking in the incredible experience through a short but somewhat deep nap.  Looking to the north end of the lake was like looking out over the ocean.  You could not see the northern shore of the lake.  All you could see was a deep blue ocean of water that seemed to extend for ever.  This place was magical and I wished that I could have stayed for many more days.

After an amazing day of hiking and reflection, I headed down the hill just before sunset to contemplate my next move.  I spent time in the evening roaming the beaches watching the local children playing endlessly with their spin tops and deflated soccer ball.  I wanted to find a new soccer ball for them so bad but this island did not provide such pleasures for the locals.  The island pretty much had what they needed to live and to sell their handmade items for income.  Night came very quickly and so did the cold.  I found myself fully clothed with three layers on the top part as I climbed into bed to do some more reading.  I quickly fell asleep around 9pm from a full day of emotional processing and exploring.

The next day I decided I was going to head back to Copacabana for a few reasons.  I wanted to stay one more night but felt the need to get back to the mainland to take care of a few details that needed attention like getting my bus ticket back to Cusco for Sunday and planning out the rest of the details before returning to Ollantaytambo on Monday.  I had yet another enlightening trip to the Island of the Sun learning about the non-importance of things and, of course, learning how to fully trust the Universe to watch over me in every moment and, of course, learning another lesson about how to deal with the illusion of fear.  And to confirm the lessons I was to learn on this little journey I came back to the mainland to an email by the Daily OM that perfectly supported this latest venture.  It’s called Cosmic Support and I invite you to click on the link and read the article if you are called to.

For now?  I’m headed back to Cusco on the bus Sunday morning.  It will be a 9-hour bus ride, first stopping in Puno and then switching to another bus back to Cusco.  I should arrive around 7pm (5pm PST).  I’ll spend the night in Cusco and head back to Ollantaytambo on the collectivo bus late Monday morning for the next leg of this journey!

The other site that was recommended to me is called Sullustani.  Sillustani is a pre-Incan burial ground on the shores of Lake Umayo near Puno in Peru. The tombs, which are built above ground in tower-like structures called chullpas, are the vestiges of the Colla people, Aymara who were conquered by the Inca in the 15th century. The structures housed the remains of complete family groups, although they were probably limited to nobility. Many of the tombs have been dynamited by grave robbers, while others were left unfinished.  I bet the energy of this place is amazing, as well.  It’s a shame that the grounds have been infiltrated by grave robbers for selfish means but that’s part of humanity for you.  I can imagine the reactions of the earthbound spirits to the atrocities experienced.

The bus ride down was pretty nice although the quality of the bus this time was far less luxurious.  The scenery was amazing especially as we got closer to Bolivia.  The snow capped mountains back dropping the lake and it’s shores was stunning. Unfortunately, I left my camera in the pack that was in the cargo hold.  My adventures began when I was waiting to load my back pack in the cargo area.  The attendent had left the scene and people were just standing around not knowing what to do.  I figured I’d just get things going and loaded my pack inside only to be greeted by a semi concerned voice asking me in castellano where I was going.  He caught me right as I was finishing loading my pack.  After bumping my head not once or twice on the open door of the cargo bay but it happened three times and for the life of me I could not recall the word Copacabana until after the third strike on the head.  ”Three’s a charm” as the saying goes and I was glad for that in this case since all passenger and workers eyes were now on me.  I think the attendent was loading the baggage with respect to passengers going to Copa first and then La Paz second.

After that I attempted to board the bus.  Without thinking I figured I’d just get in my seat and wait for everyone to get loaded and on board but again I was abruptly stopped by a voice shouting, “Amigo, Amigo….”.  Right at that instant I remembered that I was about to cross the border into another country and there was a little preliminary paperwork to do.  I needed to fill out a line on a sheet with other names which included our names, country, passport numbers (PPN’s), occupation and our destination.  This is necessary for government records.  I had to remind myself that this was the first time going to Bolivia or any other country via bus instead of plane.  The process is much much different energetically than flying across borders.

We’re finally loaded and heading down the road.  I knew it was going to be at least three hours before we arrived in Copacabana so I decided to get some shut eye and slumber until I couldn’t sleep anymore.  There’s wasn’t going to be any deep sleeping on this journey as our driver was extremely horn happy, as are most drivers in Peru and in these parts.  It’s pretty annoying especially when the driver feels the need to really make his presence known by laying on the horn for a good 5-10 seconds.  And, I was near the front of the bus so it was particularly louder than in the middle or back of the bus.  I’ve figured out that most of the time drivers of vehicles with horns use them mostly to warn people that are walking or riding bikes on the side of the road.  Many roads are not very wide and are only multi-directional two lane roads.  There’s LOTS of passing of buses and slower cars, so the horns are also used by the drivers to make sure that the driver passing in oncoming traffic is actually awake and aware that there’s another moving vehicle approaching at high speed.  In America, we honk our horns usually because we get pissed off at other drivers for offending or inconveniencing us in some way.  Rarely, do I see drivers here in Peru honk there horns in total anger.

The bus was filled with mostly younger people from various countries including the United States, Canada, Brazil and Argentina from what I could gather from overhearing various conversations.  It seemed like a pretty young and spunky crowd.  But for the most part you only heard a dull roar of conversation most of the trip.  I came out of my slumber and felt inspired to do some reading.  I borrowed a book from Casa De Wow before leaving for Cusco last Friday that sounded kind of interesting.  Started reading it on the bus down here.  So far what I’m reading is resonating with me.  It’s called the Eagles Quest by Fred Alan Wolf. It’s basically physicist meets God.  This physicist goes on a spiritual journey to see if he can connect spirituality and science, mainly quantum physics.  He experimented with Ayahuasca yet.  Four chapters later and I’m hooked.  This is going to be part of my quiet time reading this book.  There is a lot of info in the first 4 chapters about the importance of sound and vibration.  It’s right up my alley!

The time has come and the driver’s helper comes from the cab of the bus to announce that we are about to cross into Bolivia. Here’s where the fun begins.  For some reason, all of the information that had been shared with me just did not want to come to the forefront of my brain.  I think I was too focused on trying to understand what the helper was saying.  Basically, the U.S. citizens are first off the bus because we have an extra process to go through to get our Bolivian visas.  The extra process includes paying the Bolivian government $135.00 to obtain an automatic 5-year visa.  The Americans departed the bus and I swear, if my life depended on having a brain at this moment I would have lost it several kilometers back.  We ended up disembarking on the Peru side at a money exchange place.  For whatever reason, I felt I needed to exchange my American dollars for Bolivianos even though I had been told that I would be paying for my visa in American dollars.

Next we were directed to a Peruvian office where we would be stamped out of Peru before heading into Bolivia.  However, the directions weren’t clear as to which building we needed to go into.  So, in the first building we were told that we needed to go to the building next door in order to receive a stamp of some sort.  Then we had to return to the first building where we were officially stamped out of Peru.  After that little ordeal we were told that we needed to physically walk across the border to Bolivia up the road about a quarter of a mile.  The bus couldn’t take us there.  We had to walk to the ourselves.  It just seemed very weird.  But apparently it’s faster to just have us walk than to reload the bus and drive us over.

Border offices on the Bolivia side

Got across the border where we were met by three guards that were just chewing the fat.  I looked at one of them and asked where I go to get my visa and they pointed me to another building.  I entered the building and was greeted by a Bolivian customs agent in a run down office that had three desks in it.  He proceeded to assist me in making sure I had what I needed.  Of course, I didn’t have everything.  I had to have a photo copy of my passport to leave with the customs agents, so I had to go next door to a shop that had a photo copier to obtain this.  I went back to the customs office only to learn that I made a bad choice exchanging my dollars for bolivianos.  Once again, I had to go back to the photo copy building and change back my bolivianos to dollars.  I ended up losing about $6.00 in the deal because the exchange rates on the Peru side of the boarder were higher than the exchange rate on the Bolivian side.  In ended up having to pay an additional 3 Soles (Peruvian money) to make the $135.00 requirement.  I had exchanged $140.00 on the Peru side.  Confused yet?

I quickly realized that I was going to have to get a handle on the difference in currency once again, so I could keep my head about me and my finances.  I’m at the stage right now where I have to be very careful until I get back to Pulcallpa in December.  I knew I’d have to spend some focus time figuring out what the exchanges rates were, so I could budget.  I can tell you right now that when it comes to numbers and figuring exchange rates, I am an amateur.   I seem to have a block when it comes to figuring numbers.  I just don’t like it and realize that this is yet another opportunity for me to change the energy around this subject.  Quickly though I think I’ve finally got a handle on the exchange rate situation.  1 Boliviano is equivalent to $6.80 Dollars.  1 Boliviano is equal to 2.45 Soles.  It took me about 24 hours to finally get comfortable with dealing with three different denominations.  I made it simple by figuring out what I’m going to need for the week that I’m going to be here and then just exchanging my Soles for Bolivianos.

We arrived in Copacabana and my next challenge was supposed to be easy.  I was told that we would be greeted by government paid workers that would assist us in finding a hostel or hotel of our choice with our preferences on cost and amenities.  That didn’t happen, so I was tasked with trying to find a place at night that I would feel comfortable at at least for the first night.  I was pointed to the Hotel Continental. It was basic with a small T.V. and a private bath.  The room was large with a view of Lake Titicaca. The room is about $10.00 a night or approximately 68 Bolivianos.  I wanted something cheaper but I was too tired and confused to care at that point.  I figured I’d try to find another place the next day.  That night I ended running into a traveler that was only paying 35 Bolivianos, or about $5.00 a night for his place and it was very basic with a private bath and a T.V. but no view of the lake.  That was fine by me.  I decided that when I returned from the Island of the Sun I would get a room at that place or prospect for another.  Well, today, I found a place up the hill that looked even better and the price was only 30 Bolivianos or $4.40 per night.  RIGHT ON!  I’m amazed at how cheap things are here for what you get.  Plus, I can eat meals for as cheap as $1.70 for a full meal.  BONUS!

However, before getting a handle on it I was doing an inventory of my funds and suddenly realized that I was going to have to be very careful from here on out.  I still have my flight back to the U.S. to change, transportation back to Pucallpa through Lima, housing and food to consider.  Being as tired as I was I began to freak out that there was a chance I was going to run out of funds before heading back to Pucallpa.  That’s why it was important for me to get a handle on the exchange thing but everything was so overwhelming with getting into Bolivia.  After I planned out my next week here in Bolivia including my bus ride back to Cusco and Ollantaytambo, I realized that it was going to be a lot cheaper for me to stay here than it would in Ollantaytambo, so I think I’m going to extend my stay here in Copa for another 2 or 3 days.  Lots of decision making today.

Now, when I get back to Ollantaytambo, I still have a work/trade situation waiting for me.  I think I mentioned in another blog that I will be doing work/trade for another hostel (Full Moon Lodge) in Ollantaytambo when I get back.  That will help relieve some of the money pressures and give me a break as well.  So, the Universe continues to provide in very odd ways but there’s no doubt in my feelings and intuition that I’m supposed to be here.  I’m getting some much needed alone time and time to process everything that is happening to me up to this point.

Tomorrow, I head for the Isla del Sol or the Island of the Sun at 8:30am.  I just bought my ticket for the 2-hours boat ride to this remote location.  I plan to spend 2 or 3 days to disconnect from everything, especially internet.  It’s nice keeping in touch with the real world but I’ve been feeling a need to not be so connected so I can spend some time just processing and being.  I’ve been advised on some things to do while I’m there, which sounds great but as usual I am going to play everything by ear and do what feels right to me.  I’m excited for this little journey.  The Island of the Sun feels like another place where I will be receiving things I need to continue with my journey.  So, this will probably be my last entry for several days but I really want to thank all of you who have been commenting with your love and support on this blog.  This connection with everyone has been a big part of my journey.  Just knowing that you are all there has helped to ease some of the pains of this journey and I am forever grateful for your love and support!  Please feel free to leave any comments if you feel led to.  I can’t promise that I can respond to all of them but I do read them all!

I finally boarded the bus in Cusco and settled into my single seat that folds into sort of bed.  The digital display on the clock directly in front of me read 22:22 and the temperature read out said 21° celsius.  Just after pulling out of the bus station shortly after 11pm and 30 minutes later than scheduled, the temperature gauge shifted to 22° celcius.  What’s up with the 2′s again?  I know there are different meanings in the world of numerology but I’ve been focusing on the Angel numbers for several years, so this is what speaks to me.  The 222′s in the Angel numbers is about new beginnings and is also a message to me that in spite of any fears or worries, everything is going to work out just the way it’s supposed to.  I very much believe that.  Update:  A friend of mine emailed me with the master number meaning of 22.  I thought you all might be interested in reading this.

Master Number 22
The number 22 is the most powerful of all of the personal numbers and is often referred to as the Master Builder. 22′s have an incredible knack for manifesting dreams into reality by following through on practical actions. 22 posses the inspiration of 11 personalities combined with discipline and faith. People whose numbers and birth dates reduce down to 22 often achieve renown and glory during their lifetime.

My trip to Puno on the bus was much better than the trip from Pucallpa to Lima back in August.  This time the bus was much nicer and had a working bathroom, which I was very grateful for.  The seats were comfortable enough to be able to get some sleep but they are still no match for lying flat on a comfortable bed and it was difficult to get fully comfortable at times.  Plus, we had “snorer” on the bus that was doused by the music from my iPod.  Before I knew it we were arriving in Puno at 5:30am and I wasn’t expecting us to arrive until 7:30am.  According to what I had been told the bus trip was supposed to take about 9 hours but we ended up warping into town a full 3.5 hours ahead of my expectations.

The sun was just coming up.  I grabbed my back pack from the storage beneath the bus and proceeded to head into the bus station.  Prior to coming down I had been told that there would be “helpers” that would be able to direct me to a hostel or hotel of my choice which included my price and amenities preferences.  One of my requirements was to find a place that was about $10-$15 dollars with WiFi.  A short, stocky peruvian woman was the first to approach me.  She greeted me with an enthusiastic and warm smile immediately making me feel at ease as I had made no reservations or plans for where I was going to stay.  This calming angel felt right for me to deal with, so I gave her my preferences and she presented a few options.  I decided to trust that I would feel the right decision and we ended up getting cab to what would be my current residence for the day and night.

It was still early and there were no single rooms available until 11:oo am, so they put me in a dorm room where I could get some sleep until I was to meet my friend Mandy at 9:30 am at Aramas Plaza just two blocks away.  I feel into a deep sleep and ended up waking about 9:15 am.  I got my clothes on, secured my belongings and headed out the door to meet up with Mandy once again. Mandy and I have know each other since she was a guest at one of our retreats at Tierra Vida back in July.  Since then we have ended up meeting in various places and spending a lot of time together exploring and sharing our journeys.  It’s been a blessing because we are both going through very similar lessons.  We met up for coffee and breakfast.  After a fast a furious “catchup” with each other, we both decided that we wanted to go see the star gate called Amaru Muru just south of Llave, Peru on the road that you take to get to Copacabana, Bolivia.

It was Sunday and we didn’t know if we would find a tour company that could take us to the ancient star gate that we both had read so much about.  This star gate is talked about extensively in a book called Andean Awakenings – An Incan Guide to Mystical Peru by a man named Jorge Luis Delgado.  I knew this this book and several other promptings by the Universe that I needed to go to this place.  It appeared that we were going to strike out on the opportunity to visit this energetic site and I began to wonder if we the Universe was trying to tell us something.  We headed back to my hostel and moved into my room.  Sometimes the hostel owners will know of guides that can take you on trek like the one we were wanting to do.  Sure enough we ended up getting connected with a Peruvian woman who once worked in the tourism industry but then took a 10 year sabbatical to raise her kids. Roxanne was her name and she was so excited to be assisting us on this journey to this sacred place and to the plateau of amazing stones where many are shaped like animals and faces.

The journey took about an hour and we first stopped at various places along the plateau to see the amazing rock formations that we encountered.  I was very tired and not really feeling the love of this journey.  I began to wonder if my desire to see these sites was really something that was important to me.  I ended up sleeping for most of the journey down and when we arrived at the first place, which was the plateau of rocks, I just wasn’t feeling excited about what I was seeing or feeling.  I began to sense disappointment coming over me as continued to try to come out of my sleepy energy that I couldn’t seem to shake.

We proceeded to the star gate site.  I was still feeling tired and unexcited about coming to the very place that I feel I was being called to.  We exited the taxi and started towards the star gate and immediately noticed my mood begin to change.  I was still feeling like I wasn’t completely in my body as we approached the ancient door made of stone where supposedly an Incan Priest had inserted a gold disc into the door and disappeared into another dimension.

A local caretaker of the monument approached us and Roxanne, our guide and the man began to speak very rapidly in a different language that I was not familiar with.  I thought it was Quechua but it sounded different and it was.  I can’t remember the name of the dialect but it sounds very much like Quechua.  The man proceeded to pull out some Coca leaves and quickly did a little ceremony and ecantado to ask for the spirits permission to allow us to enter the sacred site.   We had already done our own encantado prior to meeting the man where we asked permission to enter and buried our coca leaves.

After the mini ceremony we took off our shoes and one by one entered and meditated in the doorway of the star gate.  My experience was almost indescribable.  I faced the entrance to the doorway, which is very narrow in width.  There’s just enough room to stand inside of the doorway.  I raised my arms and placed my hands on the sides of the doorway and then placed my forehead on the door.  At about the level between my chest and my belly there was the indentation of a circle where the gold disc was supposedly placed in order to activate the star gate.  I stood for several minutes and began to feel a gentle but firm energy working it’s way down my body from my head.  Chills or “God bumps” would occasionally stream down my body but what happened next was something that was completely unexpected.

As I continued to focus connecting to the energy of the doorway and it’s connection to the other dimensions the doorway and frame where I had my hands and feet began to gently roll .  It felt as if a mild earthquake were rolling me gently.  It also felt like gentle waves out in the ocean and I suddenly felt as if all of my anxiety and tiredness were being relieved of me.  I could also see glimpses of energy waves flowing through my third eye.  The energy was so sweet and gentle and yet so powerful at the same time.  I literally felt as if my body were beginning to disappear into the stone or as if the reality around me were melting into this feeling of comfort and bliss.  I knew at that point that I was getting but a small glimpse of what lay on the other side of that stone door.

After spending a good amount of time meditating around the doorway, I also spent time in the carved out columns of half moon stone that stood beside the doorway.  I felt as if I could be transported up and out into sky at any point if I chose.  The interesting thing about this rock formation, the door and the carved out columns is that there was no technology advanced enough possessed by the Incans at that time to accomplish what I was seeing.  The carved out door and columns I felt were created with lasers or some kind of energy that was capable of cutting into this very hard stone.  It was truly a mystery as many of the ruins in Peru are.

Next we were shown an ancient tunnel that was used to join Bolivia and Peru underneath of Lake Titicaca.  As we looked to the east we could see the shores of the lake that were located on in Bolivia.  There was Copacabana where I would be going the next day after a good nights sleep.  All of the pictures I’ve taken of the star gate, the plateau and the tunnel are uploaded to my Facebook page if you care to see them.  I have only posted a few here.  After we left the site I noticed that my energy level had completely shifted.  I was no longer tired.  I was feeling this amazing energy and it felt as if I had received something that was important to me on this journey.

Today, as I write this entry the energy is still with me.  I sense a peace and calm as I am about to head across the border into yet another country that I have not visited yet.  The gratitude I feel right now is very strong.  The gifts that are being given to me are immeasurable and I’m very excited now about the prospect of exploring the Island of the Sun near Copacabana.  For those that are following my blog, I will be staying one night in Copacabana, hopefully with Internet.  The next day I will be heading to the Island of the Sun where there is no internet, for some much needed time off the grid.  I will probably spend one or two days there as I ponder and integrate the wonderful experience I just had at Amaru Muru.

I watched a video the other night that transformed a thought I had about energy and raising our own frequencies.  It had to do with this Brazilian attorney who was prospecting to buy some land.  During his venture he was visited by an E.T. from the Pleiades.  At first all he could hear was a voice.  But the star being wanted him to see a Gold energy ball off in the distance facing a certain direction.  The man was only have to see a red ball.  So, the Pleiadian told him to step 70 paces in the direction of the energy ball and that they were going to try to adjust his frequency so that he could see the gold energy ball instead of a red one. They tried three times to raise his frequency to the level that would allow him to see the gold ball.  It didn’t work, however, the Brazilian man started seeing a gold colored path that lead to the energy ball.  Supposedly, this path lead to an Ascension Stargate that the Pleiades are working on for humanity’s upcoming ascension.  At one point, the man began to see a form or figure in front of him.  That was the being from Pleiades.  The man wanted to touch him but the being told him that that was not possible because he was from the 5th dimension.  If the man touched  him it would have disintegrated the man because of the difference in vibration or frequency. I believe this man was telling the truth.   The Brazilian man had nothing to gain from sharing this story in the video and actually had everything to lose. The man never did see a gold ball and the Pleiadian was only able to raise his vibration to a certain level regardless of his own dimensional vibration.

What’s my point in telling this story?  First, it really doesn’t matter if the story is true even though I feel it is.  Second, it showed me how difficult it can be for us to raise our vibratory level in this dimension.  It has been said that we are the densest beings in the Universe and that our genetic make up is very intricate and complicated.  It really made me think.  If a 5th dimensional being had trouble raising this mans frequency to a level where he could see a gold ball or even see the being himself, then imagine how difficult it is for us as humans to raise our own frequency.  With all of the shenanigans going on with the darker energies who are trying to keep us from connecting to our higher power and all the old programming that we have aborbed and integrated for lifetimes on end, I’d say we have a pretty difficult job ahead of us.

Oddly enough, this very revelation encourages me!  We are receiving lots of help.  The Universe is working divinely for the betterment of all living beings in the Universe but humanity is getting some special attention.  Why?  From what I’ve read, even though I don’t have scientific proof of this, we are the first race to go through a physical ascension process.  This basically means that for those whose choose to, we will be able to ascend to a higher dimension in our bodies.  It usually doesn’t work like that. How cool is that?  So, what this is also telling me is that it is beyond important that we all do everything we can to raise our vibrations on a daily level.  Things like meditation or spending time with Mother Nature daily, if possible, would help tremendously.  Watching how you say and write things so that each statement, each sentence, each thought is proactively drawing the highest energy to you.

A few people know that I’m currently on the road to Puno, Peru and eventually Copacabana, Bolivia.  The reasons for this are that I am being drawn to visit a sacred site known as Aramu Muru.  I’ll let you delve into the link I provided on this sacred site.  The short of it is this ancient stone was made into a star gate that was activated by a golden disk.  ”According to oral traditions of the shaman of Lake Titicaca, Muru Aramu Inca was a priest, to prevent the Spanish conquistadors seized the great golden sun disc was kept in the temple of Coricancha, in Cusco, took it and him away, hiding in the mountains for years.  Finally came the “portal” and through him, entering into another dimension, and taking with him the golden solar disc, thus preserving the fury plundering of the conquerors.”  When I get to Puno this will be one of the sites I plan on seeing.  There is also another site, a plateau of some sort that has all these carved stones that look like animals and faces.  This site is also supposed to posses energies where people have reported seeing visions and supposedly traveled into other dimensions when in meditation.  I don’t know if any of this will happen to me but what I do know is that I’m supposed to be there and be in these energies.

My trip to Bolivia is a much more rudimentary trip to cross the border, pay $135.00 to the Bolivian government (supposedly because we pissed them off somehow), obtain an automatic 5 year visa, then cross back over the border into Peru so that I can simply renew my visa for hopefully another six months.  Except for the obviously discriminatory cost (because no other country has to pay for a visa), I will get to stay a night in Copa…Copacabana….ok, ok…I know Barry Manilow’s song is actually talking about a famous New York night club but I though it would be fun to reminisce this song anyway.  And while you’re at it here’s the link to Barry’s excitable and refreshing song from the 1978.

I’ve been staying in Ollantaytambo in a great hostel with some really amazing people for two months now.  In fact, the last night was literally my 60th night staying there, which amazed me.  I didn’t pick that night to be any special night at all.  I just chose today, October 14th to be the day that I was going to leave my comfortable nest in Ollantaytambo and Casa De Wow to venture to a new place and see what the Universe had in store for me…plus the need to renew my visa so I could work in Pulcallpa in January.  Anyway, as the day to leave for Puno drew closer the anxiety of having to pack up my stuff into a big back pack, spend more money (although it’s very cheap to travel here, especially Bolivia), spend multiple nights in multiple places, worry about the safety of my belongings and hope that this journey is really truly something I needed to do…well, let’s just say that I wasn’t getting much sleep.  I worried, I fretted, I basically did my normal human thing and fell back into the old thought paradigms even though I know deep down that everything was going to work out ok and that I was going to get exactly what I needed from this journey, including being legal in Peru.  I keep asking myself how many times do I have to go through this before I don’t fall into the fear programs anymore?  I beginning to think that there will always be some measure of fear that will surface regardless of how I’ve raised my vibration or how enlightened I’ve become.  There are life times of old fear programming embedded in our cells including our subtle bodies and it may very well be possible that the fear will not go away until I have fully ascended to higher dimension.  I don’t know.

What I do know is actually pretty simple and the more I experience these soul expanding and transformative journeys and situations the more knowledge I gain in how to handle the old patterns that seem to keep resurfacing.  My so called  limitations and perceived boundaries are being stretched once again.  Now, the full moon in Aries these last few days definitely has something to do with it.  Aries holds the energy of Transformation and Rebirth, so I/you/we are all going to have stuff come up that is going to be transformed on some level moving through this current full moon.  I’m working through more transformations by stepping into my fears (i.e.; venturing out of my comfort zone again to accomplish a deeper purpose).  To me, that seems to be the key.  I remember a time when I used to face my challenges.  Then after my Dark Night of the Soul experience in Dallas, Tx that all fell by the way side.  I couldn’t face a challenge to save my life.  Something tells me that this happened in order to restructure how I actually face my challenges or demons.  It’s not easy to step out of our comfort zones.  Ollantaytambo has been like being the womb for me and going through little mini rebirths over and over again.  The thought of leaving even for a week was very disturbing to me.

Now, here I sit in Cusco at a wonderful hostel finally able to blog my latest thoughts and experiences.  I had  great day today.  The bus ride was perfect.  I had no problems getting a room at the Samay Wasi I hostel.  The hostel over looks the city of Cusco high upon a ridge.  The lights of the city are gorgeous.  I also have a fast WiFi connection to do my internet thingy.  I bought my bus ticket for Puno tonight.  I got a great deal on a luxury bus where the seats fold back like a bed and I can really enjoy my 9 hour trip tomorrow night to Puno in comfort.  The ticket cost me only $14.50.  I got to do a lot of window shopping and exploring of Cusco near Aramas Plaza and had a wonderful time.  Finished my evening off with a Cappuccino and figured out my password issue with my blog (no thanks to the unhelpfuless of WordPress support team.  Sorry guys but you really dropped the ball on this one.).  Once again, my fears were all an illusion.  Now, I get to continue this journey truly in the Spirit of Spirit.  It may not all be a bed of roses once I leave Cusco but once again I’ve been shown that I don’t need to fall into that deep crevice of fear porn that I seem to love to create.  One of these days I’ll get it.  Once of these days we’ll all get.  Just don’t give up!